So last week I reviewed the Bachelorette, and I could do that again, but you can’t really review an episode of the Bachelorette. I mean, here is the review: It was not good.
And that’s when we—from people who watched the Heat blow out the Pacers and who have never seen the Bachelorette, to those of us who suffered through the show—turn to the photo recap. (The man, the myth, the legend Price Peterson is the master of this form.) Let's have an amazing time for all the right reasons.
If you didn't catch last week's episode, or any of them ever, all you basically need to know is that Bachelorette Desiree was already on the Bachelor and allegedly works as a wedding dress designer.
Leading off the series of one-on-one dates with the self-described princess is Brooks, who resembles the Heat's Mike Miller but with Blake Shelton's approach to facial hair.
Desiree takes him—Brooks, who she just met—to a bridal boutique. She takes him there for a date.
"Taking a guy to a wedding salon with wedding dresses everywhere could be really awkward," Dez actually says. Could be! It could be.
Her quirk, I guess, is that she’s into hazing. Fortunately for her, the Bachelorette indulges that impulse toward sort of elaborate practical half-jokes—like Willy Wonka and the everlasting gobstopper. Brooks actually tells her that, if she had asked him, he would've been willing to put on a wedding dress.
If Mike Miller had ever played for the Celtics, this is what his signing or trade press conference would have looked like.
I can't even joke, like, "Try this one at home, y'all!" Because who would? Who would want this? This is an insane thing to do.
After the bridal boutique, though, Brooks and Desiree forge into Los Angeles in their wedding prom clothes (sure) and then sit on the Hollywood sign. Then she "gets lost" in what is implied to be a bad part of town, gets out of the car, moves police road blocks over his protests (hazing lol), and drives out on a bridge that ABC shut down so—surprise—they could have dinner in the middle of a bridge. No one, sadly, drives over the bridge. (This "date" lasts approximately 19 hours.)
Anyway, the construct here is that you get this woman alone so you can then impress her by delivering an ABC Family script based on the Al Green song "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?"
Brooks actually tells what sounds like a deeply felt, honest story about his family.
Dez responds by repeating the syllable, "Yeah," about a dozen times at various intervals and not moving her face, sort of in the way a girl from a good sorority might politely tolerate an awkward situation.
Then this happens:
It's hard to imagine a more humiliating experience than wearing fake wedding clothes all over Los Angeles with the knowledge that the images will eventually be televised. But Dez delivers: A selection of the suitors will perform a fake rap song about her with Soulja Boy.
If you forgot who he was (sorry for u), the drummer from Blink-182 remixed his single hit in a good way:
Basically, they dress up in costumes and do this:
I once reviewed Soulja Boy's album—there was an actual album and I dutifully listened to all of it—in college. Even at that point, though, I never thought it would go this badly for Soulja Boy. Pour one out for Soulja Boy and his sunglasses with the writing on them. His was an era of novelty hits that spawned apparently un-killable careers, like Katy Perry's and Ke$ha's, and he is but the beautiful and damned among them, relegated to the Bachelorette.
Dez describes this experience as "amazing."
Anyway, back at the Bachelor Mansion—it really has that plasticky look about it like the interior of a building in a theme park—we've got another speed round of sorrowful tales and small gifts.
Zak paraded around the first episode shirtless and jumped into the pool. Desiree allowed him to pass, either because pickings were so slim or because she is charmed by that sort of thing. He, determined to prove he is not that much of a tool, gives her the gift of a blank, vintage journal...
...that a father gave to his daughter:
I guess Cara didn't like her gift that much!
Zak seems sincere, though. Dez is pretty charmed by this.
In other news, Ben, who brought his toddler son to the show as a prop in the first episode, cuts in at least once during this evening round. He's a real dick, is the point. Dez gives him the single rose of the evening, naturally.
But she invites Iraq veteran and Montana native Bryden out on a date, which they spend doing normal, if generic, activities (beach, picnic in an orange grove, dinner at...another place, dip in the pool). At one point she announces, "I love brie!" and he replies, affably, "I don't know what that is." This is the most human interaction of the hour.
At dinner, Bryden relates the story of the terrible car accident he was in while he was working during college, prior to joining the military. This story is delivered casually, like a story someone prompted by a Hallmark question might logically tell you.
They make out in the pool.
The next night, the stakes are high because it's rose night. So Michael G., a federal prosecutor, goes with an unorthodox tactic.
And it works! He makes the cut. After stalking around in the shadows, Ben interrupts this attempt at getting with Desiree.
She was charmed by his bringing his son to the show in the first episode. You can't help people who don't want to be helped.
I've had all I can take of this guy who looks like Paul Krugman, his wife, her self-satisfied pointed look, and this situation in which they cannot anticipate how long it will take them to do the minor Pinterest craftsy project they bring their iPad with them to Home Depot about. You know what? Be Americans and grow a real garden.
Anyway, she gives out some roses and cuts a few guys, though no one to whom anyone could possibly have formed an attachment. I didn't know who like three of the guys who received roses were, so presumably they will be the finalists.
(Don't worry, he made the cut.)