It is with great regret that I must report that Kate Upton, our finest existing representation of American greatness and muse of the Washington Free Beacon, is off the market and has been for weeks.
Upton announced the engagement at last night's Met Gala by showing up wearing an engagement ring given to her by Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander.
Recent Stories in Culture
She looked great, making this news even harder for her many fans to handle.
In classic Kate Upton fashion, she looked just as good at the afterparty.
In moments like this, it is best to reflect on the good times.
Like when Terry Richardson filmed her doing the cat daddy.
Or when she ran down the beach like C.J. from Baywatch.
Or when she solidified her spot as an all-time American great by eating this Firecracker.
Here's another look at this iconic moment in our great country's history.
We love how she has made fashion week sexy again.
We love how she loves pools.
The further I go the more it hurts, so I have to stop. It is time to move on.
"If you truly love something you have to know when to let it go," said one of my editors, attempting to console me through these tough times.
I think he is right and will begin a thorough search for a new unofficial mascot of the Washington Free Beacon.
We are happy for you, Kate. You are the best. But life goes on.