Big news people: We are almost definitely still alone not alone! According to the Science™:
Life may have evolved on at least three planets in a newly discovered solar system just 39 light years from Earth, NASA has announced.
Astronomers have detected no less than seven Earth-sized worlds orbiting a cool dwarf star known as TRAPPIST-1.
Wow! Seven planets that definitely do not have life on them because we are alone in the cold miserable universe could support life! That's crazy. Of course, we need to keep our eye on the prize here:
Planet e looks like a haven for terrorists and the one we should liberate first. Planet f is definitely full of terrifying space monsters pic.twitter.com/IlXtB5BqeY
— Comfortably Smug (@ComfortablySmug) February 22, 2017
The simple fact of the matter is that if there is life on other planets we are now in a deadly race to either kill or be killed. And this is why we need Donald Trump to take drastic action right now.
That's right: It's time to build a Death Star.
Now look, I know what you're thinking. "That's evil," "You're dumb," "This isn't the movies, Sonny, grow up." Stuff like that. Well, first off, it's not evil, it's prudent. Second off, YOU are dumb. (Check and mate, friendo.) Third off, well, how do we know this isn't a movie? Are you sure about that?
Look, there are lots of reasons to build a Death Star. Leave aside its necessity for interplanetary defense and think of all the jobs it would create. You want to make America great again, President Trump? You want to increase the labor force participation rate? Well, I've got a great way for you to do that: How about a 160-kilometer space station weighing 134 quadrillion tons built entirely with American-made products? Yeah, that'll keep those unemployment numbers down.
Plus, you can stick it to that nerd Barack Obama, a quisling who refused to do what was necessary to keep America safe from the threat of Planet E by preemptively rejecting the need to build a space station capable of traveling across parsecs to deal death in the name of the American people.
Will this plan be popular with the American people? You bet your ass it will be! Tons of people want to see this thing built! You want to restore pride in America? You want to keep her people safe? You want to make an example out of Planet E to inspire the fear needed to keep the other six planets in line after you dissolve the Senate in 2018?
And, as a bonus, once we've eliminated the intergalactic threat once and for all we can decommission the Death Star, retool it as a luxury vacation property, and rebrand it as, you guessed it: The Trump Star.
Classic win-win-win!
Well. Except for Planet E, of course:
