My bank does not charge me a fee when I use one of its ATMs (and my old one used to reimburse me for ATM fees even when I withdrew funds while abroad).
In my view, it is unacceptable that Americans are paying a $5 fee each time they go to the ATM.
— Bernie Sanders (@SenSanders) January 5, 2016
Still, I think I understand what Bernie Sanders means when he says "it is unacceptable that Americans are paying a $5 fee each time they go to the ATM." I mean, five whole bucks? How about a tip jar, guys?
Anyway, Sen. Sanders, start taking notes: here are 10 more things that are unacceptable and in my opinion ought to be illegal as well.
1. Having to Pay for Extra Sofritas at Chipotle
I am, to my knowledge, the only person who orders burritos with Sofritas™ at the Chipotle in Rosslyn. Why should I have to cough up $2 for more when no one else is ordering them?
2. iTunes Updates
I’m a vinyl (and for certain ’90s stuff, cassette) man myself, but I do like having Jane Austen and Anthony Trollope read to me in the bathtub. My wife is busy, so I pay Audible to do it. Sometimes when I am trying to do this, I am delayed because iTunes needs to update. This is maximally tedious and would under a Walther presidential administration be punishable by law.
3. Going Through Self-Checkout at CVS
Not only annoying but a contributor to unemployment. It is nice to have a real person who makes a living wage swiping your Perrier and generic acetaminophen. There are already enough reasons to hate the Rhode Island-based pharmaceutical giant, which removed tobacco from its shelves two years ago. Put some more boots on the ground folks behind the counter, CVS.
4. Hot Dog-Bun Inequality
I am a lifelong hater of hot dogs, but this is something that has needed addressing for decades. Ten hot dogs in a pack, but only eight buns? This is typical of corporations shafting the middle class; the fact that Congress has never taken up the issue is even more typical of an out-of-touch Washington establishment that does not understand the values and aspirations of ordinary American consumers of mechanically separated meat. Anyway, 10-packs of buns should be mandatory.
5. Beats By Dr. Dre Headphones
These are the some of the worst headphones out there. They cost an absurd amount and the sound quality they deliver is unimpressive, at best. Via a licensing deal, they have enriched one of the foremost misogynists of our age to the tune of some $3 billion. How many brands of headphones do we need, anyway? Time to crack down. I am calling for the creation of a Headphone Consumer Protection Bureau.
6. Polo Shirts
I’ve never really liked these. Restrict their use to polo players during legally sanctioned amateur and professional matches. Ditto visors and shorts.
7. Ugly Churches
As the Obama administration has argued on many occasions, there are clear limits to religious liberty. In my opinion, the free expression of Cardinal Roger Mahony’s faith is trumped by public considerations about aesthetic taste. The Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels in Los Angeles should be torn down in favor of a majestic Gothic Revival replacement.
8. 3-D Movies
These do nothing but inflate the prices of movie tickets, benefitting no one except the millionaires and billionaires who run the studio system. They also make movies look like garbage. No one recycles the glasses afterward, which means more waste—a net contribution to climate change. Come on, people: we’re lucky to have widescreen and stereo sound. We don’t need quasi-three-dimensional images when we watch The Force Awakens. Americans need to learn the importance of sacrifice.
9. Scalping Concert Tickets Meant for the Youth
I must confess, reader, that I engaged in this reckless form of financial speculation just before Christmas. As it happened, I made almost no money, but some kid’s parents ended up paying an extra $50 or so each via StubHub for two tickets to see Justin Bieber in Baltimore. This can only add to the instability of our economic system. Big Scalping must be broken up.
10. Keurig
Tastes like battery acid, totally wasteful. Our children and grandchildren will be drowning in an ocean of these little plastic cups because we are too lazy and too choosey to make coffee or tea on an office-wide basis. So this guy over here wants Butter Toffee, this lady wants Green Tea Select, somebody else says Doughnut Shop Decaf—why can’t we take a vote and come to a reasonable democratic compromise that does what’s best for our environment?