Brian Stelter is a former CNN host best known for his efforts to safeguard democracy by spell-checking Donald Trump's tweets. He published a very strange article in the New Republic last month. It envisions a world in which Trump wins the 2024 election and orders a "fascist" crackdown on mainstream journalists.
Turns out the article was intended as a titillating preview of the young adult fantasy novel Stelter is working on. It's due out this summer around the same time Hunter Biden's baby mama plans to publish a tell-all memoir that includes "revelations that could well impact the outcome of the 2024 election."
We couldn't wait that long, so we utilized our network of sources to exclusively obtain the following excerpt from Stelter's forthcoming book, tentatively titled, Reporting for Duty: Liberty's Last Stand.
Enjoy!
The sun slithered away beyond the Beltway's ivory horizon. Dying rays sprawled. Ominous shadows. The narrow slits that pass for windows in a bleak interrogation room. The steady hum of terror's instruments inflicting panic in the streets. Our nation's capital under siege from within.
Cherish Factholder was scared. "You can't do this," she blurted out, unconvincingly. "I'm a journalist." (She was so much more than that. A Pulitzer Prize winner, author of a best-selling book about Donald Trump's war on democracy, and a recently divorced feminist badass.)
"Read the news, bitch." The scrawny hillbilly in a Punisher-themed balaclava tossed a copy of the New York Post on her lap. "Supreme Court just said we can do this."
Cherish shuddered as she scanned the headlines. What the hell? How long had she been unconscious? "Fuck Sam Alito, that sick fuck."
"By order of His Excellency Donald John Trump and that MAGA faithful, you have been banned," the masked enforcer enunciated with malicious glee.
Cherish snapped into what she often described as Journalist Mode. She noted the tattoo on her captor's forearm: Eric Trump smoking a marijuana blunt. She clocked the firearm strapped to his chest. Based on her experience covering Second Amendment issues for CNN, the ace reporter quickly identified the weapon of war: AR-15 assault-style shotgun with front-mounted rocket launcher. She kept reading.
Trump loyalists at the FBI had hacked Zidgit, the encrypted texting app, and outed Cherish as a co-conspirator in what Supreme Chancellor Trump was calling the "Crooked Coverup."
Technically, it was true. Just weeks before the election, President Joe Biden had died suddenly while chasing a balloon in the White House dining room. His lifeless body was stuffed into a garment bag, ferried away in a staffer's SUV under cover of darkness, and buried on a billionaire donor's sprawling estate in Maryland.
In the interest of protecting democracy, Cherish and several other journalists had colluded with senior administration officials to keep the president's death a secret from the American people. They'd helped draft the script for the now-infamous George Stephanopoulos interview with an AI-generated Biden hologram.
Cherish had no regrets. There's nothing she wouldn't do to stop the fascist takeover of the United States by lying thugs, or worse, Kamala Harris. "So, like, where'd you go to college?" she asked the pacing guard.
"I didn't."
Cherish sighed, and leaned back against the cold concrete. "Kids?"
"Two."
"Daycare?"
"Can't afford it," he said. "Inflation. Thanks to Democrats like you."
Cherish nodded, her gaze fixed on the small television in the corner. Fox News was reporting that Vladimir Putin had accepted Trump's offer to become secretary general of NATO. "Actually, the economy under President Biden was historically strong."
"Shut up," he huffed.
"No, I'm serious," Cherish went on. "The underlying macroeconomic trends were fantastic relative to other G20 countries. The media just didn't do a good job explaining it."
"You are the media."
"Guilty as charged," the journalist professed. "I'm humble enough to admit my mistakes."
"Wow. I'm impressed," he said. "Maybe—" The sound of a distant explosion rattled the walls. Cherish leapt to her feet.
"Maybe you'll be humble enough to let me out of here, huh?" she yelped frantically, disabling the guard with an expert karate move she learned on YouTube. "The least you could do is let me borrow your gun."
The fascist goon howled in agony as Cherish relieved him of his automatic machine gun rifle. "Please don't," he groaned. "I have a family." She almost felt sorry for him. Almost.
Thwack! Cherish introduced her size 9 shoe to the coward's groin area. "Sorry," she said. "The truth hurts."
With the fate of the nation hanging in the balance, Cherish seized the weapon and sprinted toward freedom, her every step a defiant act of resistance against the encroaching darkness of tyranny.