NIAMEY—Ladies and gentlemen, the Biff is back.
I am pleased to inform you I have ended my multi-year contract holdout after the Washington Free Beacon brass agreed to nearly all of my demands, including the firing of Brent Scher after my private research outed him as an illegal immigrant (and drug mule, probably) from Mexico.
It's been too long since the Free Beacon endured the withering lash of its discerning and devastatingly handsome ombudsman. I regret that my absence has given this intolerable news blog free rein to disgorge its contemptible soft-bodied liberal ideology upon the American people. That ends today.
When I heard the Free Beacon was banned from reporting on the Vivek Ramaswamy campaign, my first assumption was that so-called reporter Alana Goodman got busted for behaving like a trashy Obama-era lib. It wouldn't be the first time. As is often the case, my first assumption proved correct. Of course, the ban was justified.
It wasn't long ago that Goodman was saving the world from Hillary Clinton and her global pedophile network by penning heroic scoops about Anthony Weiner's dong. That was before she went full Lincoln Project. These days Goodman is less interested in exposing Democratic sex criminals than she is in trying to undermine the most vivacious, forward-thinking, hard-right candidate running for president.
I'm talking about Vivek, obviously. The 38-year-old pharmaceutical entrepreneur might be the only GOP candidate with an eye to the future. The only one who has what it takes to Make America Great Again again. And no, I didn't forget about Donald Trump. I just don't think the former (and lawfully current) president has the stamina or strength required to purge the scourge of wokeness from our sweet land of liberty.
It goes without saying that Trump embodies everything that is good and decent and honorable about the American spirit and the God-centric ideals our Founding Fathers fought to realize. Nevertheless, as a single-issue voter who is only concerned with how degradingly each candidate treats the libtard D.C. press, I'm afraid that Trump has lost a step.
Vivek, by contrast, has made me feel heard. I've been a lone voice screaming into the void. I tried to warn the Republican Party and all Americans about the Free Beacon's depraved left-wing predilections, about the employees who drink diet soda, listen to Mumford & Sons, and wear pants without pleats. Vivek's campaign, unlike so many others before it, refused to play along with the charade. Huzzah!
Did you know it's been more than five months since Trump even tried to kick a journalist off his plane? That in June he did a private airborne interview with Raheem Kassam, a center-left European squish, and some dope from THE POLITICO? That he sent campaign aides to a fancy steakhouse in Milwaukee to cavort with filthy mainstream journos? And don't get me started on his "relationship" with Maggie Haberman at the New York Times. Yuck.
In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I've known Vivek for many years and no doubt played a role in shaping his political philosophy. We first met on a beach in Pattaya, Thailand, circa 1990. I was taking a much-needed vacation after mopping up Khmer Rouge guerrillas in the jungle. Vivek was hanging around with some Aussie bloke named Julian Assange. Huge nerd, absolutely toasted on MDMA, would not shut up about "the internet," and how "we're all connected and we don't even know it."
Anyway, I guess Vivek must have been around five years old. It didn't strike me as odd at the time. I'd just assumed Julian was trafficking him. He had the dead-eyed look of a child soldier. Plus I was pretty trashed on Quaaludes between 1984-1991. I had to quit when things started to heat up in Yugoslavia, but that's another story. Turns out Julian was right about the internet being a big deal, and that's how Vivek and I stayed in touch over the years.
We didn't see each other again until around 2012 in Kerala province, India. A "local nonprofit" had hired Bill Clinton to speak to some villagers. They packed them all into a soccer stadium and by the time he was done, all their homes had been bulldozed to make way for a Bauxite mine. It was a good chance for Vivek and me to reconnect and ruminate on the beauty of capitalism. Several years later, the kid made a fortune after persuading a bunch of Wall Street jockstraps to invest in an Alzheimer's drug that didn't work.
That's precisely the sort of bold capitalist leadership we need in the White House. We don't need a washed-up steak salesman who peddles NFTs and mugshot cardigans. America deserves a cutthroat killer who treats journalists the way they deserve to be treated (like shit) and is willing to do whatever it takes to win big. There's no reason Vivek can't do for America what he did for me.
What he did was get me in early on his pharmaceutical IPO. I cashed out and took home a hefty bag. I wish I hadn't reinvested so much of it in GorkaCoin, but that's life. I'm doing just fine. Writing less. Microdosing more. Macrodosing on the weekends. Reconnecting with former lovers. Shielding assets from former wives. The usual.
You may not see my byline as much these days, but rest assured that I will never stop holding the Free Beacon accountable.
Bifford F. Diddle served in the Trump administration as acting deputy undersecretary for female empowerment in the former Soviet Union from 2018-2019, a job that does not technically exist. His last known address was a houseboat docked in Schinkelbuurt, Amsterdam.