Let me start by saying this: I missed you too.* It’s been an invigorating couple of months since I last penned words on this page. Damascus. Donetsk. Monte Carlo. I’ve seen some things, folks. I’m ready to relax.
But I can’t.
Relaxed is the last thing I felt when I heard Ew Yuck City mayor Bill de Blasio wants to LIFT THE FERRET BAN. And wouldn’t you know? The Free Beacon’s coverage has been criminally negligent. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve enjoyed the probing articles about the D.C. music scene. I just can’t abide an allegedly pro-freedom blog sit idly by as a Marxist madman runs this country into the ground.
Ronan Farrow, wunderkind host of Ronan Farrow Daily on MSNBC, tweeted a terrible “joke” on Wednesday:
New York Times columnist Paul Krugman on Tuesday formally endorsed the Democratic midterm strategy, spearheaded by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D., Nev.), of demonizing the libertarian philanthropy barons Charles and David Koch. Liberals are so worked up about the Kochs, they recently protested outside a New York City hospital that received a $100 million donation from David Koch, who Reid has described as “un-American” and “against everything that’s good for America.
Under the headline, “Things Go Better With Kochs,” which, as Krugman explains, it exceedingly clever—Koch is pronounced “coke,” as in Coca Cola, a soft drink company whose slogan in the 1960s was “Things go better with Coke”—the Nobel Prize winning scholar writes:
Editor’s note: The following letter was received at Free Beacon global headquarters via Morse code. A senior member of the Neocon High Council has confirmed its authenticity. As always, we ask you to pray for Biff Diddle, whose whereabouts remain unknown. May God have mercy on his soul.
To whom it may concern:
I hope it won’t shock you to learn that my relationship with Russian president Vladimir Putin has, over the course of several decades, achieved what the youths call “frenemy status.”
As two of the most feared undercover musclemen of the 1980s, our rivalry may best be compared to that of NBA greats Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. Except in our case, Biff Diddle represents both Magic and Bird, while Putin is more like an uglier version of Spud Webb, minus the ridonkulous vertical. At the end of the day, we both still respect each other and subscribe to that age-old philosophy: “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”
Now, re: the game. I have a confession to make. I am tired of never getting credit for my severely patriotic actions, such as seducing a wily Elena Ceaușescu in the cold Romanian winter of ’89. I want my due credit for reigniting the Cold War.
A Free Beacon source has obtained an exclusive photo of a mustachioed gentleman believed to be Biff Diddle, our beloved ombudsman who remains at large.
The photo, which was reportedly taken sometime in the last several days, appears to show Diddle seated aboard an airplane—in coach, obviously, because he refuses to associate with the coastal elites in First Class.
The Washington Free Beacon has obtained* the transcript of a conversation that took place sometime over the weekend between U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry and ousted Ukrainian president Victor Yanukovich: