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Nine Things That Are on the Internet

Trump: 'All I know is what's on the Internet'

March 14, 2016

I have to say, if there's a line that sums up the 2016 election, it must be this one from Donald Trump: "All I know is what’s on the Internet." The line came in response to Chuck Todd pointing out that a video purporting to show a protester at a Trump rally was affiliated with ISIS was a hoax, a forgery.

All I know is what's on the Internet.

All

I know

is what's on

the Internet.

I dunno, that's pretty much perfect. There's so much to unpack here and, at the same time, so little. If it's on the Internet, it must be true. And if's not true, well, how am I supposed to know? What, I'm supposed to fact check everything on the Internet?

All I know, after all, that it's on the Internet.

Here are nine other things that are on the Internet.

1. Time Cube

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From Wikipedia:

The theory's ultimate truth (and what the conspirators are said to be covering up) is that each day actually consists of four days.

That's a thing that was on the Internet, and that's all I know about it.

2. Flat Earthers

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On the Internet:

Flat Earthism is a fairly new concept: by the time anything we’d recognize as science existed, people knew the Earth was round, so there was never a flat Earth consensus. Flat Earthism was basically invented around 1830, by a huckster going by the name of Parallax (not the demonic parasite from DC Comics).

3. The Second Grabber Theory

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Last week, Donald Trump's campaign manager was accused of grabbing a reporter from Breitbart with such force that it bruised her arm. Instead of apologizing and moving on, the Trump campaign went to war with Breitbart, its closest ally in the media. And instead of defending their reporter (who has since resigned), Breitbart's editor at large Joel Pollak constructed a Zapruder-esque theory of the crime that posited a second grabber, possibly on the grassy knoll.

Hey. It's on the Internet. That's all I know.

4. 9/11 Truthers

Loose-Change-911-An-American-Coup

A thing that's on the Internet:

At 9:37 am on 9/11, 51 minutes after the first plane hit the World Trade Center, the Pentagon was similarly attacked. Though dozens of witnesses saw a Boeing 757 hit the building, conspiracy advocates insist there is evidence that a missile or a different type of plane smashed into the Pentagon.

5. Lizard People

Anna's_Teeth

I dunno, but it's on the Internet.

The conspiracy theorist and New Age philosopher, who wore only turquoise for a time and insisted on being called Son of God-Head, says these "Annunaki" (the reptiles) have controlled humankind since ancient times; they count among their number Queen Elizabeth, George W. Bush, Henry Kissinger, Bill and Hillary Clinton and Bob Hope.

6. Zika, Depopulation Tool?

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The Internet! This is on it.

It's easy to see where the Zika virus crisis might fit in with Bill Gates' admitted depopulation agenda. Not only are babies being born nearly brain-dead, but now women throughout Latin America are being urged not to have children during the next two years. Coincidence?

7. This GIF

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This gif is on the Internet. Is it proof that radio personality Alex Jones is a super-powered alien from the Planet Vegeta who managed to escape the genocide of the Saiyan people? Hard to say. But it's there all right.

8. A Talking Cat


Holy crap, did you know that cats can talk? I sure didn't! But it's certainly on the Internet!

9. Donald Trump's Net Worth

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Sure, this thing on the Internet is contradicted by other things on the Internet. But who's to say which is more true? After all, they're both on the Internet.

That's all I know.