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The 2020 Washington Free Beacon Christmas Gift Guide

Spectacled Bears Get Christmas Gifts
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• December 23, 2020 5:00 am

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If 2020 has taught us anything, it is the importance of being together. In this trying but hopeful holiday season it is important to bridge the divisions in our polarized world, which is why we have once again partnered with our international team of brand consultants (and our non-unionized elfin workforce) to bring you the best gift items for everyone on your list.

Home

You would think that this year’s record unemployment numbers would have meant a downturn in the luxury home appliance market, but it’s really been one for me of dynamic engagement with a variety of producers. Smart living at home means saving lives. By staying inside, we can ensure that all of us are able to live in fully automated comfort for many decades to come.

Kohler Numi Dual Flush One-Piece Elongated Comfort Toilet With Remote Control and Integrated Bidet ($8,775)

We have really come a long way from the days when smart toilets included only single-user programmable functionality. Take your bathroom out of the Stone Age with this Kohler appliance, which allows you to open, close, and dry the seat and to empty the basin with both eco and full flush settings. Individual users are also able to program their own selections for light, warmth, heat direction and intensity, and, of course, music.

Elektra Microcasa Semiautomatica Espresso Machine ($2,259)

When just going to the coffee shop down the street poses a serious health risk, it’s hard to go without this machine from our friends at Elektra. In addition to its attractive design, it sports a durable brass boiler, an advanced eco-friendly filtration system, and advanced safety features. After using it, you’ll never want to leave your house for coffee again.

Chopfit The Chopper Full-Body Workout ($119.99)

For most of us this year, the gym simply was not an option. And even in the best of times, the otherwise beneficial organic full-body workout that comes with splitting logs is not compatible with our commitment to the planet. So what is a guy (or gal!) looking for that classic lumberjack physique to do? This is where the Chopper comes in, offering all the fun of chopping logs without any of the mess of wood or fireplace-based carbon emissions that usually comes with it. Includes safety wrist strap and integrated mobile app.

Life Ionizer MXL-9 Under-Counter Alkaline Water Ionizer Hydrogen Machine ($2,997)

This is 2020. No one should be drinking non-ionized water. The great thing about this unit from Life is that its nine-plate design allows users to adjust the pH levels with custom filters based upon the output data of the app to increase the sweetness of coffee and (hello!) herbal tea to desired levels while keeping out dangerous toxins.

Dan Cousins blogs about socially distanced smart living and DIY for This New Home.

Outdoors

This year has only confirmed me in the wisdom of my stoic ancestors. By both necessity and temperament, we hardy men of Greenland have been inured to social distancing from early childhood. Many is the time that I have gone six months or even a calendar year without speaking to anyone save my spear-wife Freja and our five sons Aksel, Ansgar, Asbjorn, Asger, and Asmund as we stalk the muskox in the frozen north. But without these aids, our lonely vigil would be a hopeless one.

Sakai Takayuki Ginmaki Mirrored Honyaki Blue Steel Knives ($4,245.99)

My travels have rarely taken me beyond my frozen native soil, but when they have the land to which I was fondest of venturing was Japan. While my heart will always prefer mattak, the raw blubber of the great narwhal, I have learned to enjoy also the grand traditions of the Land of the Rising Sun. Koyanagi Bunko, my old sparring partner, taught me the ways of spear combat (sojutsu) and of preparing sashimi with the help of these knives.

Ravenbeak Traditional English Yew Longbow ($1200)

As the years pass and the shadows of the hearth-fire grow longer, the mature sportsman wearies of youth and its follies, such as the mechanical compound bow. To slay the crafty walrus with a bow of simple yew after the manner of our fathers is the deepest yearning of our hearts. This fine weapon from Ravenbeak does not include a string, which should be taken from the hide of a previous kill.

Ralph Lauren Polo 11 Heated Jacket ($1098)

Despite the stubborn independence of my countrymen, we are always willing to acknowledge the achievements of other proud races, such as the American, with its equally great traditions of frontier independence and ruthless conquest. For this reason, I have no misgivings about wearing this heated jacket from the Ralph Lauren company in the United States, which allows a hunting expedition in sub-zero temperatures to feel like a night-time visit to Freja in the sauna.

Ejnar Overgaard, who writes from his native Greenland, recently abandoned his tour hunting company because, as he put it to Free Beacon staff, "There are no apprentices worthy of my tutelage." With the assistance of his wife, he is currently writing Nights in Nunatak, the first in a series of Kindle Singles romances.

Couples

Folks, I gotta admit it. As regular listeners to the Blood Sex Sugar MAGA podcast know, this year’s been real hard on the Love Ninja. People tell me, "Ray, man, you gotta follow the science." I tell them the only science I follow is love. And love, like Deep Purple said, conquers all, even crappy made-in-China viruses.

Masks by Browne Limited Edition O.J. "The Juice" Mask ($29.99)

You may not realize this, but criminal justice reform is one of my passions. Whenever I feel down about the state of our legal institutions in this country, I remind myself that in one of the most high-profile cases of the 20th century, justice was done for a wrongly accused man. So even though I don’t love masking up, when I have to put one on to head down to watch the Monday night game with Tim and Khan and the boys at Hicky’s Bar, I wear my Juice mask, inspired by the greatest running back ever to play the game. This bad boy is handmade in these United States, a true American original, just like number 32.

Wind Sprints: Shorter Essays, by Joseph Epstein ($23.34)

One of the few good things about this year is that it’s meant the Ninja has spent a little less time drinking raspberry piña coladas at the Aruba Ritz-Carlton and a little more time catching up on reading. (I got a secret for you: read on the toilet.) These essays by one of our foremost cultural critics really hit that sweet spot for both me and the missus, who shares my dedication to the intellectual heritage of Western Civilization. They’re short enough that you can read two or three in a sitting.

Jugo de Coco Coconut Juice With Meat ($18.96 for pack of six)

Now contrary to what you might expect, I am not down with keto, paleo, or any of those other weird diets that restrict you to certain food groups. Newsflash, dorks: that’s like restricting yourself to only one kind of love, when there are whole ancient Indian books on all the different ways of blowing the grounsils and playing the blanket hornpipe. Instead I follow Ninja Nutrition, which is an integrated body-mind-soul approach to food for the whole man or woman. While you’ll have to subscribe to my premium tier on Patreon to receive the full diet plan, which includes customized menu selections, I’ll give you one free piece of advice: drink coconut juice with the meat included. The other stuff just doesn’t give you that extra kick that separates cashew nibblers from real nut masters like yours truly.

AdoreMe Lingerie Monthly Subscription ($39.95-$59.95 per month, plus initial styling fee)

I think it was Aristotle who said variety is the spice of life. It would come as no surprise to the fourth-century Athenian philosopher that variety is also the spice of putting four quarters on a spit, as my father Raymond Nathan, Sr., used to call it. (Gentlemen don’t use four-letter words, bub.) That’s why my wife and I are longtime subscribers to this service, which is the playing nug-a-nug equivalent of having one of those fancy Martha Stewart 40-jar spice racks delivered discreetly to your door. Best of all, it comes in 72 sizes, depending upon whether the fish you’re dipping that particular river for is a minnow or a whale shark or anything in between.

Vintage 16-Seat Carousel (price upon request)

This is more of a bonus pick, since my former fellow contributor Tatewaki Shiho, who usually handles the kiddo section, has left her writing career to help unseat the duly elected president of the United States. Honestly, when I was a boy we didn’t have a lot of toys lying around, but I’ll tell you one I enjoy to this day: vintage carousels. I have one in my backyard. I always pick that sparkly pink zebra guy, but the whole point is to find your own carnival spirit animal. I find riding it to be a meditative experience, a time when it’s just me and my thoughts, contemplating the mysteries of life and the universe and whether time is greater than space. Like I always say on the podcast, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, hoss.

Ray Nathan, a.k.a. The Love Ninja, is a New York Times bestselling author and the host of the Blood Sugar Sex MAGA podcast on iTunes.

Self Care

Ocim Jade Roller Anti-Aging Stone ($6.99)

I have no idea what I would have done without this product this year! With the waiting lists for socially distanced facials stretching on for months, it is vitally important to have inclusive alternatives. The use of natural jade is also a step in the direction of a more inclusive and wholistic understanding of wellness that rejects the narrow evidence-based imperatives of colonial medicine, assisting us in both unlearning cisheteronormativity at the intersections of difference and in queer worldmaking through collaged relational autoethnography. There is honestly nothing I would recommend more.

Jaimie Bao-Ornstein, the former director of the Vocal Choice Coalition, is currently providing diversity training and consulting services for McKinsey’s global partners.

When You Have It All

You miss old friend Semen, readers of Freedom Lighthouse samizdat? Well, I am also missing of you, and of paycheck from Monkey of Truth. So I once more write international catalogue of luxuries for special men and attractive women of high behavior.

Online Ed.D. in Educational Leadership ($697 per credit, plus additional fees)

In primary position is most important item. If you attempt make education or, like impressive pal Semen, international consulting main focus of career, you must have credential. So what better than to obtain doctor of education (not philosophy, which is trash of Russia). I earn mine from Ivan Franko National University of Lviv, but in United States you have better University of Delaware, such as is attended by learned Dr. Ulyana Biden, greatest scholar despite what Jewish old man of essay write in Wall Street diary. And best, it is not requiring GRE score!

Dominion Voting Machine (pricing information upon request)

Once again it is time I offer thanks to genius of business and mineral expert Hunter and to famous Ass Party of Endryu Jackson and other slaveholders. And how I ask is victory possible without integrate latest technology? Even in Ukraine we hold social distance election for office while making elimination possible of Russian interference. Perhaps now available off year special lad price, yes? Seek information, friend Ivan can inquire used and is good to count.

Redskins Jersey (second-hand price varies)

In happy times of past, I prefer most for enjoyment of sports noble wrestling. But when I visit United States, I go with now Elective Premier Dzhozef to football game of national team. He tells me always Redskins is best, for Hogs and Joe Theismann, who is glorious amid loss of leg to giant, as we have also in folk tales. He even give hat to intellectual lad son for heat of ears in cold winter, which I now wear.

EuroGirl Escort Ukraine (negotiable terms)

You think they are primary relation of sexual? This is narrow understanding, unspiritual. In global dynamic economy we must in black plague time prevent spread of Mexican beer pneumonia of lung while commit to inclusive work force with engagement of traditional female artisans in East Europe (not Russia, where vaccine is fake). I make most recommendation of full mask always love encounter with Nita, Maryana, Yada, and Karina, as frequently has been arranged for Departments of State.

Semen Borysovych Nechyporenko is a former member of the Ukrainian parliament who served as vice deputy chairman of the Unconditional Fatherland League from 2013 until 2017. He recently accepted a senior position with Pine Island Capital Partners.