At first we felt a little sorry for you, Doug. We had naturally assumed you'd been pressed into service by the Democratic Party, that your "marriage" to Kamala Harris—several months before launching her U.S. Senate campaign—was arranged via some internal Craigslist for politically ambitious bachelorettes eager to liberate themselves from the Sugar Daddy lifestyle. When Joe Biden dropped out of the race and you were too busy to take your wife's call because you were "messing around" with your "gay friends" after "SoulCycle class" in West Hollywood, we weren't the least bit surprised. We couldn't have been more wrong.
The Doug Emhoff we have gotten to know over the course of the 2024 presidential campaign is nothing like the effeminate beta-cuck trophy beard we'd long assumed you to be. You weren't a simping "wife guy," after all. You didn't "redefine masculinity," you rekindled it. You embodied it like a man. We'd always wondered why your first marriage failed, and we were happy to learn there was a perfectly reasonable explanation. You were horny, so you banged the nanny. You got her pregnant, of course, because condoms are for cowards. You also hired a "trophy secretary" named Katya at your hotshot law firm, and she was so "talented" it made all your partners jealous. Eventually some angsty feminists complained that Katya was "unqualified" and sued the firm for sex discrimination, but you refused to apologize for being a dude.
America's obnoxious journalists genuinely believed you were one of them—a groveling lib who sits down to pee, a nonbinary girl dad who loves soccer and the WNBA but no actual sports, an effete elite who's never even held a Glock. (We know the gun was yours, bro.) They were sorely mistaken. You revealed yourself to be an old-school Democrat in the mold of Bill Clinton and the Kennedy brothers, someone who understands that chasing tail is just part of the game. The media praised you for "taking a sledgehammer to toxic masculinity," and you repaid them by eviscerating what's left of the #MeToo movement. When a jealous ex-lover accused you of getting a little too handsy (after she disrespected you by flirting with another man), you forced the media to abandon once and for all the preposterous notion that all women deserve to be believed.
Well done, sir. We're glad your wife lost the election, for obvious reasons, but we feel for you nonetheless. What self-respecting man wouldn't want his nagging wife to get a highly regarded six-figure job that gets her out of the house for extended periods of time? We assume you have a backup plan, perhaps a 90-day rehab program in Sedona. Good luck with the intervention. In the meantime, we hope Kamala can take some comfort in the fact that she's married to a Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year (and has slept with two, that we know of). Mazel tov!
Related: 2019 Man of the Year: Willie Brown
