2013 Man of the Year: Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney centaur
December 23, 2013

America didn’t want him, needs him more than ever, and does not deserve him. 

Remember when Americans still had affordable health insurance? Mitt Romney does. Remember how crazy it was to think Russia could be "our number one geopolitical foe"? Mitt Romney might, assuming he still thinks about politics when he’s not installing car elevators in his La Jolla mansion or nurturing one of the finest tans in the industrialized world.

Like a of bunch of rebellious schoolgirls, the American people doubled down on their edgy fling last November rather than accept a wholesome Mormon into their hearts. Buyer’s remorse is now sweeping the country, as polls show Romney beating President Barack Obama in an electoral rematch one year later. The would-be first couple charmed viewers of the "Rachel Ray Show" during an October appearance that was just adorbs. His sons are saving lives, and look great doing it.

Meanwhile, Obama’s second-term approval rating is nose-diving into George W. Bush territory. Mitt Romney’s approval rating is irrelevant because he’s a private citizen now and has enough money to not need to care about things like "popularity." And while there are plenty of jobs, including president, that Romney would excel at, such as Detroit bankruptcy manager or Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority CEO or Men’s Wearhouse floor model, his talents would no doubt be wasted on an ungrateful nation.

What a year it could have been.