Forty years ago, Anheuser-Busch revolutionized the beer world with the Bud Light. Now, they're trying to make history again with even lighter beer.
The brewery this month released Bud Light NEXT, the first ever zero-carb beer. It's an effort to combat the spike of the hard seltzers and ciders that have lured calorie-conscious drinkers in recent years, by offering them a "beer" with similar characteristics.
I think I speak for everyone at the Washington Free Beacon when I say the rapid transformation of beer into water is an affront to God and man alike. But there are plenty of situations where it makes sense to pass up the King of Beers for something a bit more princely.
Maybe you're an aging frat boy trying to lose weight so your wife will spend less time with her tennis instructor. Maybe you're just an ordinary dude about to embark on a several-hour marathon of throwing back beers and need something to wet your palate before you get into the good stuff. Or maybe you're just a sissy.
Either way, with all these trendy light beers hitting shelves, people are bound to have questions. Like, "Would I be better off going with Diet 7 Up?" or "If my grandpa knew I was drinking this, would he be ashamed of me?"
I can't answer those. But I can hopefully give you some insight before your next trip into the supermarket's beer cave. Like our nation's greatest living Supreme Court justice, there are two things I like: beer and having opinions.
So, behold: the definitive ranking of the lightest light beers.
6. Yuengling Flight
A shameful offering from America's oldest brewery. Thanks to Flight's clear bottle, your first impression is that it's warm, flat keg beer sloshed from a pitcher into a Solo cup. Unfortunately, it tastes like it too. Stale and weak, Flight is a far cry from Yuengling's flagship lager, which fights back when you drink it.
5. Coors Pure
Most of the beers on this list clock in at around 4.1 percent alcohol by volume (ABV), which is just a hair lower than Bud Light. Not so Coors Pure, the otherwise refreshing taste of which is not enough to make up for its measly 3.8 percent ABV. The upside: Between the can design and the low ABV, you can bring one to the gym and pass it off as a trendy water bottle.
4. Bud Light NEXT
I cracked my first Bud Light NEXT fully expecting to hate it. As we learned from New Coke and Lady Ghostbusters, messing with the standards never works—and as far as light beer goes, Bud Light is the standard. Sure enough, the first sip was vile. But in the interest of science, I cracked another one—and then another one, and another one. Before I knew it, it was 3:17 a.m. and the floor in front of me was a NEXT graveyard. Points for drinkability. Go figure.
3. Blue Moon Light Sky
Like Yuengling, Blue Moon's light beer tastes nothing like its tentpole brew. But in this case, that's a good thing. Because Blue Moon is terrible. Crisp and refreshing enough to be enjoyed without juicing an orange into your glass, Light Sky is a far cry from that weird, wheaty monstrosity that numbers high among Belgian war crimes.
2. Corona Premier
Corona has been cranking out refreshing beer for decades, so it would have been embarrassing if their lightest beer didn't make the top three. I can't tell you exactly what makes Corona Premiers different from Corona Lights, but I'll be damned if they're not just a little more delicious. Unfortunately, like all Coronas, Premiers are only good in bottles. Consider yourself warned.
1. Michelob Ultra Pure Gold
Far and away the best beer in its class. It's right there in the name. Drinking a Gold is like drinking sunshine, or a long weekend. In fact, Golds are so good, Michelob should seriously consider discontinuing regular Ultras, which serve mostly as an over-carbonated reminder that American males between the ages of 17 and 25 will drink anything you hand them.
Editor's Note: This list does not include the lightest of the light beers, Heineken Light. Heineken is gross in any form, so we can only assume the Light is pretty terrible. Plus, with a 3.2 percent ABV, you can get a better buzz drinking expired apple juice.
And all the above beers should be followed immediately by a stiff glass of whiskey, so you can finally get a real buzz.