Culture

The 2019 Washington Free Beacon Christmas Gift Guide

polar bear christmas present
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Don't worry about how to shop for all the quirky, exceptional, hardworking dynamic team players on your list. Our international brand partners have you covered this Christmas season. Instead of fretting about how to please everyone, choose something from our specially curated list of unimpeachable holiday favorites from the 2019 Washington Free Beacon Christmas Gift Guide.

Home

In my 15 years of writing about homes, I have discovered a lot of things. The first is that your house is only as good as your ability to control it. Why would anyone bother living in some kind of barn full of appliances you can't even program via a secure Android app? That's why my go-to home gift—for literally anyone: parents, newlyweds, your summer place at the lake—for 2019 is the Orbit 21005 B-hyve Bluetooth Hose Faucet Timer ($37).

Everyone wants to save water. But sometimes walking over to the sink to turn off a faucet can be such a hassle. The Orbit allows you to turn it on and off according to a timer that can be remotely programmed via either Bluetooth or Wi-Fi through a menu you can access from an Android phone, IOS device, or various web browsers. Think of all the time you'll save not having to move within 150 feet of your running water ever again!

Speaking of running water, I literally can't imagine how anyone has managed to look down at their toilet without thinking that it’s missing something. This is where the Witshine Rechargeable Toilet Bowl Night Light ($14) comes in. This battery-powered fully rechargeable light will save you the hassle of other toilet lights thanks to motion sensor technology that also allows you to choose between 16 dazzling color options and five separate brightness levels. Forget Henry James: this is the real golden bowl.

Of course, potty needs are not the only thing to keep in mind water-wise when you’re shopping for holiday home life-enhancers. Remembering to drink at least 64 ounces a day can be difficult, which is why the ICEWATER 3-in-1 Smart Stainless Steel Water Bottle is a must-have for any hydration-conscious name on your list (which should be everyone, duh). Not only does it light up to remind you to drink more water, it also doubles as a portable Bluetooth speaker and a strobe light for all those wild dihydrogen monoxide-fueled parties at home, at the gym, or anywhere else.

Finally, I want to ask you one thing: Has anything ever made you go "ugh" more times than needing to open the trash can while your arms are full of the stuff you want to dump in there? I know what you’re thinking: that’s what soft-close pedal cans are. Please. In this day and age you should be able to talk to your trash can the same way you do your microwave and your refrigerator. Easily the best smart can on the market is the simplehuman ($250), which is voice activated with dual compartments for easy separation of recyclables. Just say "Open can" and voila. It’s like magic! Why not go for the rose-gold stainless steel option? You and your home deserve it.

Dan Cousins blogs about smart living and DIY for This New Home.

Outdoors

Whether your pleasure is to stalk the mighty musk ox, to trap the wily beaver, or to spear the pungent tuna, it is necessary to have the appropriate equipment. Much hunting and fishing gear sold today is unworthy of the name of sport. Rather than disappoint the outdoorsmen (and women!) you wish to honor this Yuletide, it is best to stick with me.

In the frozen beauty of my homeland at the very top of America, the time draws nigh to hunt the reindeer. When I take to the wilderness with Gunnar, after a fine meal of leverpostej and mørbradbøf I do not wish to tarry with the playthings of children, but to return meat unto the hearth. This is why I never follow the caribou without the Tenpoint® Nitro XRT Crossbow Package with ACUdraw™ PRO ($2500) at my side.

Alas, the noble deer are not the only beasts that prowl the northern waste. It would be sheer folly for even the mightiest archer to attack a polar bear without the aid of a more powerful weapon. The arms that feature in the tales I have oftentimes told to lovely Ragna before a roaring fire at her father’s inn is the VO Professional F (price upon request), made by our Swedish brethren.

Hunting is the noblest of sports, but not the one best suited for leisure. In the placid summer my mind turns from the green field to the blue stream, where I lure fish with my Orvis Bamboo 1856 805-3 Full Fly Rod ($2798).

Neither the salmon nor the walrus would number among the trophies at my lodge in Ilulissat without the aid of Svenskt Exportsnus, a fine snus available from the best merchants. There is no substance on earth which more wonderfully concentrates the attention of the sportsman.

Ejnar Overgaard, who writes from his native Greenland, has contributed to a variety of outdoor magazines. He is also the owner of Northpole Jagtskole, a private hunting tour company.

Children

Childhood should be a process of total discovery—visual, spatial, linguistic, sexual. And the only way to facilitate this is through learning that is also play. When people ask me what they should get the kids on their lists for Christmas, they are usually trying to decide between two different kinds of licensed character toy, ones with features like karate chopping or lasers or tea cups. Instead I recommend Juvale Peg Dolls ($13), whose identities children can discover for themselves during extended self-directed free play sessions.

Another great way to encourage open creativity without stifling the imagination of children is to get them to think about texture in an authentic way. Mohawk Forrest City Plush Carpet Squares ($13) are great for this. You can order large assortments of them online, but here’s a pro-tip: if you walk into your local home improvement store, you can request a few for free. Now that’s parenting!

One thing you’ve probably never realized about glue is how important a tool it can be for developing young minds. Think about it: they can use it to construct something or to express something about their emerging identities or just learn a fun (and non-toxic!) lesson about taste. That’s why I recommend Onyx + Green Glue Sticks ($9).

Finally, I have to ask: Is there anything you can’t do with felt? So many colors, so many lengths and widths, so many possibilities for self-chosen, means-valuing exploratory play! There are a lot of brands, as you can imagine, but I recommend that parents of young tots stick with flic-flac 4-by-4 Inch Sheets ($6).

Tatewaki Shiho is currently co-producing a video series on immersive color education for the New York Times. Her work has also appeared in Elle, Teen Vogue, and other publications.

Couples

People are always asking me, "Hey Ninja, what’s the love sauce?" I always act coy at first. "Come again there, ace?" "You know what I mean, Ray, man: the motion potion that can turn ‘Frosty the Snowman’ into ‘Hot Blooded’ in less time than it takes to unleash a sugar-starved toddler on a giant gummi octopus." Then I say, "Okay, bud. I’ll tell you what it is." And I drop the science: sprinkles. That’s right. Not just any sprinkles, but Molly McButter Butter-Flavored Sprinkles ($2). Fat-free, five calories per serving, other natural flavors. Hell, I’ve put them on everything from Fritos to Doritos to caviar to live eels. Works every time.

I realize people have different opinions about food, which is why for other guys I’m happy to recommend something a little more cerebral. If you really want to get your love machine running on premium unleaded, it’s important to study the great lovers of history, from Plato to Newt Gingrich. A heck of a good place to start is this DVD version of Don Giovanni ($20). Now I know what you’re thinking: I don’t need the guy from that F. Murray Abraham movie telling me how to love. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it there, my dude. The wife and I spend hours eating Bugles and discussing the great operas.

Another solid choice in this line is One Hundred Love Sonnets by Pablo Neruda ($12). It even has the Spanish versions, which I always read aloud to Philomena. To tell you the truth, I don’t even know what the words mean, but it sounds cool and suave, like a high-brow Ricky Martin doing his whole Latin thing.

Ray Nathan, a.k.a. The Love Ninja, is a New York Times bestselling author and the host of the Blood Sugar Sex MAGA podcast on iTunes.

Self Care

Balancing the clear ecological imperatives that compel the consciences of all global citizens with celebrating the holidays can be really tough. It requires mindfulness to understand the difference between meaningless consumption and buying products that help us to realize our full potential as citizens, activists, and creators. Caring for the planet and the marginalized is impossible without self care. This is why I really only have one thing to recommend to readers: the Kao MEGURISM Health Care Steam Warm Eye Mask ($19). I literally cannot count how many evenings I have come home after a difficult day and unwound by putting one of these over my face and practicing non-judgementalism about myself and others. It always leaves me feeling refreshed and ready to face another day of staring down the total extinction of life on earth thanks to our greed and selfishness.

Jaimie Bao-Ornstein is the director of the Vocal Choice Coalition.

When You Have It All

Hello, Freedom Beacon readers! I am paid for this, yes? Important thing I say is always this. Next, Happy Christmas! Okay, first initial item is moving cart, to practice non sweat golf. I make occasional sample of this item with friend Hunter, he shows me glorious plains called Arkansas.

Then, secondly and in the next position is vyno, not Sovetskoye Shampanskoye, which is urine for badger, but Dom Perignon 2008. May I recommend fancy lads only drink special Lenny Kravitz edition? It is best, this is known.

Following this in tertiary placement is plane. Not total crap Boeing 727—such as is only used American lolita perverts not manly lover makers of wives such as mine, body goddess Yelizaveta—but exceptional C-32 model, as is owned by my countrymen and, as coincidence, former assistant president Yozef, who only one time told me he use chain for Cornpop.

Last, for special behavior boys of wallet who like European Union, I make suggest this flat, which is built very low cost in Switzerland from golden and other metals of precious.

Except one thing: it is lie about bones of dinosaurs, these we almost realize were dragons. You need me make fill more words? My congratulations to well-known international ass party of Dzheyms Carter and other manly U.S. premiers on most successful putsch since 1991 August.

Semen Borysovych Nechyporenko is a political consultant and former member of the Ukrainian Parliament who served as vice deputy chairman of the Unconditional Fatherland League from 2013 until 2017.