Apparently many people are Very Mad On The Internet about this Atlantic piece arguing that milk chocolate is superior to dark chocolate. I'm not sure why they're mad, exactly—dark chocolate is fine if you want something kind of waxy and bitter, I guess, but milk chocolate is obviously superior to dark chocolate in pretty much every way. There's a reason America, the king of nations, has championed milk chocolate and left its Eurotrash darker cousin in the ash heap of history.
Let's be real, though: white chocolate is better than both.
Yes, I know, white chocolate isn't "really" chocolate. But we live in a post-meaning world where words no longer matter, so "white chocolate" is just as much "chocolate" as milk or dark. Your semantic nonsense will not save you this time, Poindexter.
It is simply a scientific fact that everything with white chocolate is better than anything in its non-white-chocolate form. Hugs are better than Kisses. White chocolate Kit Kats are inherently superior to their duskier-hued brethren. Cookies and Creme Hershey's bars are so much better than every other type of Hershey bar that it's not even worth going to the trouble to label them. If you bring me a box of Godiva truffles, you best believe than anything with creamy complexion will be the first items to disappear. Don't even get me started on the superiority of white chocolate Crunch bars.
My only regret in writing this post is that I did not write it a few days sooner, so you could prepare for Halloween. I can hardly stomach imagining the sadness plastered on the faces of all the little kids, their grimy little paws reaching into plastic jack-o'-lanterns hoping to pull out something, anything made from the greatest of chocolates, only to be met with like a bite-size Snickers bar or a package of garbage Candy Corn. The tears that well up as they contemplate what could have been if only the person answering their cries of "Trick or Treat!" had a modicum of taste. Won't someone please think of the children?
White chocolate is creamier, smoother, and usually just a bit sweeter. It's the king of chocolates. Argue against this all you want. You know in your heart I'm right.