Season one of "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" concluded this Memorial Day weekend with our he-bro romantically destitute, and describing love as only he could:
Forget the athletic feats of wonder or the internationally renowned abs: What #WWRLD taught America is that the romantic pursuits of Olympians are just as messy as our own. Like Ryan, we all at some point have abided by the Area Code Rule. Like Ryan, we've been in agony when we realized that without the aid of ample libations we have absolutely nothing to talk about on a date with a hook-up buddy. Like Ryan, we’ve forged emotional bonds with strangers at bars by discovering shared interests in things like potato chips and gummy bears.
Season one of Ryan's show wrapped with America’s "it" couple, Ry-amiee, officially dunzo. The conclusion to their trans-Atlantic tryst raised a good question: How can a couple like Ryan and Jamiee "break-up" if they only see each other once a year for hookups in the first place?
The two-night, three-episode #WWRLD bonanza also explained why Ryan has such a hard time with monogamy, and with adult behavior in general. Any girl that dares venture into the Lochte den is subject to interrogation by Ryan’s sister Kristen. All Lochtes indeed go hard or go home, as Kristen’s waterboarding of Ryan’s date Chantae would give pause to any of her brother’s potential paramours. And when Ike becomes aware of Ryan’s desire to move to the City of Angels, she lays the thickest of all guilt trips on her eldest son, claiming Uncle Ryan does not love his toddler nephew. Thus does the E! Network lay bare the source of Ryan Lochte’s arrested development.
In between the psychoanalysis, there are Lochterage bets to fulfill and photo shoots to take. Question: Which activity is more sexually charged?
Presented without commentary:
Or is it this?
After eight episodes of Ryan not progressing anywhere, romantically or professionally, we caught a glimpse of what I initially thought #WWRLD should have been all along: Lochte bro-ing out in Miami during Spring Break.
The Lochterage achieved maximum "turnt up" status in the Locht-o-party meter by funneling champagne and using water jetpacks to figure out who picks up the bar tab.
During a lull, the Lochterage also paid a visit to a jewelry store for Gene to price engagement rings. As much as this here Blog has defended Ryan’s innocence, it's nonetheless inexcusable for him to drop 100 large, as he confessed, on a engagement ring, and thereby risk being clowned on if the girl doesn't return the ring if the engagement falls apart. Google "Mario Williams ring" to see what I mean.
Still, despite another empty, sexually adventurous jaunt in the Mi-yayo, I remain optimistic on Ryan’s chances at finding true love. Minus the Olympic pedigree, Ryan is a fellow bro-in-arms. He gets paid to swim, he kicks it with his boys, and his sole mission when he goes out is to return with ladies. Eventually, we all put away the Speedo and grow up. Some of us are just late bloomers.