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Five Perfect Directors for the Cinematic Adaptation of ‘Tetris’

The stars of the forthcoming feature, 'Tetris'
• September 30, 2014 10:12 am

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According to the Wall Street Journal, the video game Tetris is being adapted into a feature-length motion picture. The game with the blocks and the music? That you played on your Game Boy for hundreds of hours? Yeah, that one.

Anyway, I've got a BREAKING EXCLUSIVE* sneak peek at the directors currently up for the job, as well as their vision for the work.

But first, to get you in the mood, enjoy 10 hours of the Tetris theme. By the time you're done listening to 10 hours of Tetris music, anything I suggest will sound good to you.

 1. Timur Bekmambetov

Given the fact that Tetris is Russian in origin—it is literally the only cultural product worth a darn to come out of the Soviet Union in its later years—it only makes sense that the studio's top choice is the Russian mad man behind Night Watch and Wanted. And there are reasons behind national loyalties to hire Bekmambetov for this flick: just imagine L-shaped blocks flung and curving, Wanted-style, into a cozy little spot midway down the screen:

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EPIC.

2. Werner Herzog

Tetris is a game about jamming awkwardly shaped bricks into a semblance of order that you can never ever win. No matter how well you do, no matter how many Tetrises you score, no matter how many lines you rack up and points you accumulate and game time you expend, you will eventually succumb to the cold, merciless hand of impersonal death. It's a perfect metaphor for life, as envisioned by Werner Herzog. Bonus points if you can convince him to star in the picture:

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3. David Fincher

Fresh off the twisty triumph of Gone Girl (review coming Friday!), Fincher is perfectly suited to helm this movie about a game that's more than a game. You think you're just making lines? Filling holes? Wrong. You're a tool of the capitalist system who needs a little nudge to break out of the rut that has consumed your pathetic bourgeois existence. It's only after you reject the game you're currently stuck in that the true game—life—can begin.

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Heavy, bro.

4. Zack Snyder

Just imagine: Slo-mo action Tetris. You know you want it.

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5. Steven Spielberg

A heart-warming tale of a lost Long Tetris Block trying to reconnect with his family as evil L-shaped government officials try to keep them apart. Starring Tom Cruise as the only man in a position of power trying to put the pieces together and solve the mystery of the orphaned Long Block.

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*And totally parodic.