This Is the Christmas Liberals Want

Thank God for Donald J. Trump. In addition to owning libs on the reg, our president has quite literally rescued Christmas from the brink of extinction. In the War of Liberal Aggression Against Christmas (WLAAC), the 2016 election was the Battle of Stalingrad—a valiant and improbable victory for patriotic forces over a ruthless and determined foe.

As a result, we can all say "Merry Christmas" again without fear of Deep State reprisal. Texting it to a friend or typing it into a email will no longer flag your accounts for government surveillance. No longer must Americans celebrate the holiday in secret, in back alleys, or in fallout shelters. Trump tax cuts have injected financial steroids into the wallets of Christmas shoppers in search of the perfect gift.

It didn't have to be this way. Like Stalingrad, the 2016 election could have ended in a far more devastating fashion. Killary and her Democratic forces could have driven the Red-Green Army and pro-Christmas militias into the Volga, cut off supply lines, and claimed victory among the ruins. What then, in this sinister alt-universe, would become of our cherished holiday?

This is what.

THIS IS THE CHRISTMAS LIBERALS WANT.

President Hillary Rodham orders heavily-armed EPA mercenaries to lay siege to Christmas tree farms across the country, while government contractors, flanked by UN supervisors, go door to door, sealing shut America's chimneys in accordance with the Paris II climate agreement.

Acting under the authority granted in Section IV of the Emergency Presidential Powers Act, the FBI seizes guns and ammunition from American homes. The reclaimed arms are subsequently melted down on the orders of Arts Minister Harvey Weinstein, after which the resulting molten materials will be used to craft a giant "open door" installations on the southern border, where it will be assembled by the shackled hands of former ICE employees.

THIS IS THE CHRISTMAS LIBERALS WANT.

Santa Claus is arrested and detained by federal agents. His show trial is mandatory viewing in government schools and labor camps. He is convicted on a multitude of charges involving child labor, cruelty to animals, breaking and entering, religious discrimination, and the violation of national defense airspace. His lists and surveillance records are seized by the state, and used to track down and punish the regime's political enemies.

Santa's reindeer are euthanized as part of the international effort to reduce methane emissions. Santa's elves—the ones deemed to be of legal working age and not involved in the criminal conspiracy—are forced to unionize and pay dues to the AFL-CIO. The majority of them are immediately hired by BuzzFeed to produce engaging video content for the web. Meanwhile, ISIS soldiers are quartered in American homes.

THIS IS THE CHRISTMAS LIBERALS WANT.

Americans brace the cold in "holiday" chow lines, anxiously awaiting their allotted cup of grey sludge, and their complimentary copy of Barack Obama's third memoir. Journalists mock them and take photos from the comfort of their heated limousines. They hurl some scraps of  Christmas wrapping paper — which has been banned to reduce waste and preserve the forest — out the window, and laugh as the shivering masses rush to pick them up.

The shopping malls that have not been overrun by Amazon's paramilitary units are prohibited from displaying any form of Christmas decoration. The only music allowed is "Fight Song" and the soundtrack from "Hamilton." Mall Santas are forbidden, obviously, but have been replaced by Matthew Dowd impersonators offering free hugs and a warm cup of centrist ideology.

THIS IS THE CHRISTMAS LIBERALS WANT.

THIS IS THE CHRISTMAS LIBERALS WANT.

THIS IS THE CHRISTMAS LIBERALS WANT.

THIS IS THE CHRISTMAS LIBERALS WANT.

THIS IS THE CHRISTMAS LIBERALS WANT.

THIS IS THE CHRISTMAS LIBERALS WANT.

THIS IS THE CHRISTMAS LIBERALS WANT.

THIS IS THE CHRISTMAS LIBERALS FEAR.

THANK YOU, PRESIDENT TRUMP!