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Coming From the NYT: What Hitler Had to Say to Americans About Europe

• September 12, 2013 12:36 pm

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Everyone on Twitter seemed quite upset with the New York Times for publishing an op-ed by Russian plutocrat/autocrat/journalist murderer/virulent homophobe/civil liberties violator Vladimir Putin. Frankly, I applaud the Times for their giving space to the most epic trolling in the history of epic trolling. Game respect game.

The overwhelming response sent editor Andrew Rosenthal scrambling to the slush pile to find previously ignored op-eds from other reasonable, erudite world leaders keen to educate the American public as to the ways of the world. Gotta get those clicks, you know. My spies on the editorial board have sent me a preview of the next entry in their sure-to-be-award-winning series, tentatively titled "Troll So Hard: What America Can Learn from History’s Visionaries."

A Plea for Caution From Germany
What Hitler Has to Say to Americans About Europe

By Adolf Hitler
Originally submitted September 13, 1938; published September 13, 2013

BERLIN — RECENT events surrounding the potential annexation of traditionally German territories by their rightful rulers have prompted me to speak directly to the American people and their political leaders. It is important to do so at a time when the news is filled with vicious rumors about German belligerence and horrid lies about the German treatment of her Jewish citizens.

The potential alliance between the United States, France, and Britain to stop the absorption of the Sudetenland into Germany, despite strong approval by the ethnic Germans who live there, will result in more innocent victims and escalation, potentially spreading the conflict throughout Europe. You Americans have so much space to stretch out in and breathe; we simply want the same in Germany. Your idea of exceptionalism—that you and you alone have the right to a roomy nation—is dangerous to stability.

Germany has no desire to risk yet another global conflict so soon after having been defeated just a few short decades prior. With the world community’s assent, and through the auspices of the League of Nations, we shall peacefully add this territory to our own. And then we shall be done: We have no designs on Poland, no plan to expand further.

When my emissaries meet with the world’s leaders at Munich in several weeks, I hope that we can have a rational discussion. From the outset, Germany has advocated peaceful dialogue enabling the Sudetenland to develop a compromise plan for its own future. We are not trying to strip the Czechs of any territory. We are simply trying to uphold international law, bring Germans back to their rightful home, and preserve law and order in today’s complex and turbulent world. This is the only way to keep international relations from sliding into chaos. The law is still the law, and we must follow it whether we like it or not. Any effort to aid the Czech’s in their unfortunate and illegal effort to maintain possession of the Sudetenland will be seen as an act of aggression.

It goes on like that for a while; I don't want to spoil the whole thing for you.

One wonders which mad man they’ll find on the slush pile next …

Published under: Media, Parody