Appropriate Titles for President Barack Obama

Barack Obama
'President Barack Obama, #FoHNKotAatFMLotFSaPotR' (AP)
July 11, 2016

Of all the dumb, pointless outrages this weekend, Peter Daou's was almost certainly the dumbest and most pointless:

It was, however, an effective outrage. Daou is a "former adviser to Hillary Clinton." Confronted by an opinion column in the New York Times that was devastating to his patron—Maureen Dowd is unsparing in her description of the dumpster fire that is the Clinton camp; really, you should read the whole thing—he didn't bother disputing the charges. Why make the case that Hillary Clinton is not an extremely careless person who drags down everyone around her as she and her husband succeed and amass riches beyond the wildest dreams of even the skeeviest of Arkansas pols.

Nah, just shout racism and hope it distracts everyone.

Mission accomplished!

Now, the idea that it's racist to call Barack Obama "Barry" is, on its face, idiotic and beneath contempt. If you want to know why people are so tired of politically correct dunderheads policing everyone's speech that a not-insignificant number of them voted for an orange-skinned huckster who went Howard Beale on their behalf, well, a guy like Peter Daou is Exhibit A.

I mean, the president's family called him Barry growing up. Dowd's been calling him Barry for-just-about-ever; strange that Daou only gets angry when he needs to distract us from Hillary Clinton being raked over the coals. Every president gets stuck with a nickname; I don't remember the outrage police getting up in arms over "Dubya/Shrub/Chimpy Bushitler" or "Bubba," do you?

Of course not. But hey, it's Bad to do so now because Dowd has written indisputably true things about Hillary Clinton that make her look awful. To the racism barricades!

Anyway. I was wondering what we are allowed to call the sitting president without prompting accusations of the dread racism from the chattering classes who need to distract from the fact that Hillary Clinton acted recklessly with top secret intelligence because she didn't want her personal life to be subject to FOIA—or, perhaps, because she didn't want her corrupt dealings on behalf of the Clinton Foundation to come to light. Here's a short Q and A to help find the most appropriate title.

Can we call him Barry?

GTFO here with that you racist.

Should we call him Barack?

No, too informal.

Well, how about Barack Hussein Obama?

Wow, it's like you're trying to "other" him by highlighting his middle name. 

But ... it's actually his name?

I think we all know only racists use his whole name.

How about President Barack Obama?

Better, but does that really get to the magnitude of his presidency? I mean, this is a man of consequence beyond a simple presidency.

What about President Barack Obama, lowerer of tides and bringer of light, wearer of halos?

As we know, his election was the moment when good things began to happen; we could all finally be proud of our country. But I'm still not sure that's good enough.

Maybe His Grace President Barack Obama, First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Fifty States and Protector of the Realm?

Boom, that's it. You've nailed it.

There you have it, folks. Not the friendliest of titles for Twitter—it's literally outside the 140 character limit—but maybe we can shorten it to "President Barack Obama, #FoHNKotAatFMLotFSaPotR" for simplicity's sake. After all, we don't want Peter Daou to start a hashtag about you.