My NFL picks so far this season have been awful but you wouldn't believe how good the team I drafted for Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen-X is.
Like any responsible professional I diversify my portfolio, so of course I also bet on Survivor. I win every season because of my expertise in human interaction and in all aspects of competitive reality television.
I tried out to be on the show last year in Ohio's Put-in-Bay, but Jeff Probst (declared one of the Free Beacon's World's Hottest Ministers in 2015) must have been out of the room when they played my audition tape because I still haven't received a call.
The team I drafted this year is my best yet: I have the two most impressive men, Ken McNickle and Taylor Lee Stocker, and most importantly, Jessica "Figgy" Figueroa, a 23-year-old bartender from Nashville, Tennesee.
Here are my eight NFL picks for the week, along with a thorough introduction to Figgy:
Jacksonville Jaguars VS Indianapolis Colts (in London)
Pick: Colts -2
One of Figgy's motto's: #ColtsEVERYDAMNDay.
She is from Nashville, but does not root for the Titans—probably a good choice. Here she is reppin' her team in her hometown:
A photo posted by Jessica Figueroa (@hashtagfiggy) on
Colts won, 35-33.
Figgy will surely be up early in the morning on Sunday to watch the game in London, hopefully poppin' bottles.
A video posted by Jessica Figueroa (@hashtagfiggy) on
Carolina Panthers AT Atlanta Falcons
Pick: Panthers -3
Pool dazin' w// a sad Pats fan........ #stillloveya #stillfriends #ColtsALLDay
A photo posted by Jessica Figueroa (@hashtagfiggy) on
Figgy seems fun.
"When all else fails, just ride the dolphin bro"
Seattle Seahawks AT New York Jets
Pick: Jets +2.5
She has a loving side, especially when it comes to puppies.
Here is a lot more proof of that:
AND A PIG!
Detroit Lions AT Chicago Bears
Pick: Lions -3
Hoppy Monday, everybunny! (See what I did there?)
A photo posted by Jessica Figueroa (@hashtagfiggy) on
Last animal, I promise. But this Instagram video is one of the best I've ever seen and deserved way more than 26 likes.
Miley came home past curfew.....
A video posted by Jessica Figueroa (@hashtagfiggy) on
"So Miley, you wanna tell me why you came home at 2 A.M.? Were you at Peter Cottontails house again, smokin' carrots?"
Close second for best Instagram video of all time:
A video posted by Jessica Figueroa (@hashtagfiggy) on
Oakland Raiders AT Baltimore Ravens
Pick: Raiders +3.5
Her loving side has already carried over onto Survivor. She was making out with the guy to the left up there (who is also on my awesome team) by about night 3. Everybody told Taylor and Figgy that it was probably a bad idea to fall in love immediately, but "rules are meant to be broken."
A video posted by Jessica Figueroa (@hashtagfiggy) on
Here they are, laughing about the fact that people on the show tried to vote her out already.
She stuck around, and probably will for a long while.
A photo posted by Jessica Figueroa (@hashtagfiggy) on
Dallas Cowboys AT San Francisco 49ers
Pick: Dallas -2
Figgy seems perfect. She likes charity:
Helping children in Haiti:
The NRA:
Shania Twain, who is everybody's favorite female country singer:
Golf, though her swing could use a bit of work:
And America:
A photo posted by Jessica Figueroa (@hashtagfiggy) on
Denver Broncos AT Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Pick: Broncos -3
She also has a wild side. Here she is trying to play with sharks:
A video posted by Jessica Figueroa (@hashtagfiggy) on
New York Giants AT Minnesota Vikings
Pick: Vikings -5
She will probably win a million dollars, and deserves every penny of it.