There have been a lot of movies about Mars and most of them have fallen somewhere between kinda bad (Mission to Mars) to very bad (Red Planet) to kinda okay but so disastrously expensive and little-watched that they turn into cautionary tales for Hollywood about the dangers of making movies set on Mars (John Carter). So people are, naturally, excited about The Martian, which is a good movie that happens to take place on Mars and looks to be a legit box office hit.
It seems to me, though, that people are a little too excited for The Martian, which is a solid three star movie but a bit long and not quite as great as everyone's cracking it up to be. It's certainly not the best movie set on Mars. I think we all know which one is:
That's right: Total Recall (the original, not the idiotic remake which was garbage and indicative of Hollywood's creative bankruptcy) is the best movie set on Mars. Period. Not only is it more scientifically accurate than The Martian, it also provides much in the way of discussion material after the fact. Was Quaid dreaming the whole time, experiencing a psychotic break during the memory implantation process? Or did he actually create an atmosphere on Mars, thus freeing the natives from the oppressive business that literally sold them the air they breathed? Indeed, on almost every level Total Recall is the superior movie.
Acting: Yes, I know, I recently wrote that The Martian "assembled one of the better casts in recent memory." And it did! Great cast. But c'mon. Matt Damon is just playing Matt Damon in The Martian, while Total Recall features Arnold Schwarzenegger playing two different types of Arnold Schwarzenegger (friendly Ah-nuld and evil Ah-nuld) in the same movie! Plus it has Academy Award-nominated actress Sharon Stone delivering a knockout
performance.
Special Effects: Oh, sure, the special effects in The Martian are nice. State of the art CGI, etc. But I prefer practical effects myself:
Point: Total Recall.
Portrayal of three-breasted prostitutes: Yeah, not even close. There are zero three-breasted prostitutes in The Martian and one three-breasted prostitute in Total Recall. This is both math and science, making the point indisputable. Total Recall wins again.
Science: As I mentioned, the science in Total Recall is far superior to the science in The Martian. For instance: In Total Recall, science is used to explain how psychic mutants could help bring a breathable atmosphere to Mars in an instant:
In The Martian, meanwhile, they use science to grow potatoes. BORING.
Look, I liked The Martian just fine, and it's clearly Ridley Scott's best film in years (two, actually, because The Counselor is way better). But let's get serious, people. Total Recall is the superior Mars movie. This is not in serious doubt.