Left-wing pubs parse bros' alcohol selection (cheap), their media habits (reruns of Entourage), and their protein consumption (high), all in a high-minded exercise to say bros are mindless automatons whose sole goals in life are to sip and slay. We've already mapped the human genome, why not map the literary habits of the front desk attendant at your Washington Sports Club?
Buzzfeed and Jezebel both debuted yesterday their own variety of "brorschach tests" to help their readers get inside the minds and motives of bros.
Buzzfeed's brorschach manifested in one their trademarked listi-quizs to deem how much or how little bro is in the taker. Again proving how not-bro Buzzfeed is, the Cat GIF aggregator asked over 130 questions, some of which were:
Being a bro to Buzzfeed apparently means idolizing misogynists.
Buzzfeed may be merely "not bro," but Jezebel is outright bro-cist. So it was with some surprise that their brorschach test, "The United States of Bro," was in fact quite representative of the bro-pulation.
To see how accurate the feminist propaganda site was, I took the liberty of investigating whether their sterotypes were valid.
The Manhattan Bro
Hobbies: Over-identifying with the really over-the-top scenes from Wolf of Wall Street. Stealing cabs. Eventually marrying women named Claire, and then divorcing her for a woman named Madison (who is 23). Yelling.
What bro doesn't thump their chest like Matthew McConaughey when they're hammered anymore?
The Chicago Bro
Secret shame: Is going bald (that's what the baseball cap is supposed to hide) and getting large in the middle from all that drinking, despite only being 28 (every bro in Chicago is 28).
The Badger fan below can't drink like he used to anymore, that's why he needs two scrumpets to cover his beer gut.
The Mid-Atlantic Bro
Uniform: Boat shoes without socks, pastels. Salmon colored shorts. Sailing motifs.
The Mid-Atlantic is only place in the country where a bro can dress like its spring in the dead of winter.
The Southern Frat Bro
Celeb brospiration: Tucker Carlson
Tucker is the So-Bro's brospiration in that he taught them that, if they want to stay off of YouTube, they shouldn't wear bow ties.
The LA Bro
Hobbies: Weekend trips to Vegas with the boys. Name dropping.
I for one cannot wait to chill with my L.A. bro-thren during the 2016 Republican National Convention.
The Masshole
Secret shame: They feel very little shame.
Can't waste time feeling shame when there's a blackout on the horizon.
The D.C. Bro
Celeb brospiration: Paul Ryan
How do you think young Luke got so slim?
The Portland Bro
Uniform: Nike or Adidas workout clothes worn as regular street clothes. Well-formed calves from hiking, kayaking, and "fun runs" that involve costumes.
No need to shower and change when it's always raining.
The Dallas Bro
Job: Oil, gas, real estate, insurance.
See also: fantastic painter.
The Colorado Bro
Intoxicant of choice: Bales and bales of pot.
I don't think weed is exclusive to bros in the Centennial state.
The Provo Bro
Uniform: Also known as the "Mormon All-Star," the Provo Bro is a preening, hair geling, gym ratting, thick necked doofus who dresses like an Abercrombie ad and burns through Crest Whitestrips.
Mormon bros are the best bros out there--instant D.D.
The Brooklyn Bro
Uniform: skinny jeans, a plaid shirt, beard (optional), glasses (mandatory), forearm tats, Hitler Youth haircut. Closed shoes, always. When hipster is ubiquitous, hipster becomes bro. Let that sink in.
Look at how the hipster becomes the very thing he loathed.
The Miami Bro
Secret shame: Owns zero books and three Pitbull CDs.
There's nothing shameful about Mr. Worldwide. You love "Timber" too.
The Great Plains Bro
Drink of choice: Budweiser
While bicoastal elites eschew Bud Heavy for its lighter brethren, there's a reason why we call the fly-over states "Real America."
The Silicon Valley Bro
Job: "In tech."
Silicon Valley is perhaps the most competitive of all bro territories of the United States, considering it seems every 40 year-old is flipping his dog-fetching app for a cool billion. A twenty-something bro can't compete with that type of game.
Jezebel seems to have learned from Sun Tzu: "know thy enemy but not yourself, wallow in defeat every time." Jezebel damn well knows itself, and by this guide, they know their bros as well.