One would be hard-pressed to recall a president with a finger more firmly on the pulse of the United States than the Don. After actually signing away former president Joe Biden’s wobbly legacy of bureaucracy and federal overreach, Donald Trump tackled the issues that matter most. His executive orders aren't just necessary policy items; they're love letters to the American people. Consider this sampling:
Ending Procurement and Forced Use of Paper Straws
The first pillar of the modern-day Axis of Evil came by way of paper straws. These instruments of torture were the physical manifestations of a sullied American spirit. The emasculation. The indignity. The shame. They were hardly worth the plastic they came individually wrapped in.
But like a phoenix from the ashes, we rose. We channeled our collective resolve to return Donald J. Trump to his rightful thro…place in office. And the president delivered a clear message: We don’t negotiate with terrorists. EO 14208 spells out that his policy moving forward is to "end the use of paper straws." Good riddance.
Maintaining Acceptable Water Pressure in Showerheads
The Obama-Biden administration, keeping its eye on the ball as it always did, unleashed thousands of words' worth of regulations defining the word "showerhead" in a cynical attempt to deprive you of your American right to waste a f—load of water. The result was a market full of showerheads resembling Obama's vice president: weak and ineffective.
Trump reversed Obama's crusade on clean with EO 14264. The order makes clear: If we wanted anything from the Biden era to join us in the shower, we would’ve asked.
Making Federal Architecture Beautiful Again
Obama didn't just want you dirty; he wanted you demoralized. Under his vision, federal employees who suffered through their drizzle of a morning shower would then trudge off to their Soviet bunker of an office, like the hideous eyesore Obama is building as a monument to himself in Chicago.
That all came to an end in August, when the president signed EO 14344, an action aimed at making our federal buildings beautiful again. It was only fitting: Trump, after all, made his fortune as a hotel tycoon. He knows what people like, and it certainly isn’t the Department of Housing and Urban Development headquarters. Thus, with one signature, neoclassicism was back, ushered in by the only president with the taste (and the titanium spine) to remind Americans that beauty isn't a relic of the past, it's a promise of the future.
For once again allowing us to drink, bathe, and build how we deserve, Donald Trump’s Executive Orders (and the mighty stroke of his actual pen—no autopen for this man) are 2025 Washington Free Beacon Men of the Year. Mr. President, thank you for your attention to these matters!