Jennifer Rubin's new #Resistance website, the Contrarian, is determined to establish itself as a cultural force. "We'll have a humor column!" Rubin's co-founder, Norm Eisen, explained with considerable enthusiasm earlier this week. "We'll even have a cooking column, but we're going to sprinkle in a little bit of pro-democracy flavor."
On Thursday, famed satirist Andy Borowitz published his first-ever humor column in the Contrarian. The seasoned humorist dished out some serious giggles, offering some "creative editorial assistance" to Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, owner of the Washington Post, the struggling newspaper that recently changed its slogan. Below is the column in its entirety.
(Warning: May cause laughter!)
As a longtime fan of hilarious comedy, I'd like to offer my own creative editorial assistance to Andy Borowitz. The following are 20 runner-up satirical slogans that were in strong contentions for inclusion in his debut column:
Speaking Truce to Power
Elon Musk, Hold Our Beer
We Subscribe to Amazon Crime
Bawitdaba, Cha-ching, Cha-ching
News for Republicans Who Can't Read
Comfort the Felons, Fellate the Comfortable
Coverage So Soft You Could Wipe Your Ass With It
We Only Hire Graduates of Trump University
Democracy Thrives in Orangeness
Something To Read with Your Morning Covfefe
Vladimir Putin Approved This Slogan
So Incompetent We Let Jennifer Rubin Get Away
Matt Gaetz Checks IDs More Often Than We Check Our Facts
Where Truth Meets Oligarchy—And Sometimes They Hug
What Would Jesus Do? We'll Do the Opposite
If You Don't Subscribe We'll Have You Deported
Mexico Will Pay for Your Subscription
This Slogan Sounded Better in the Original German
Trump's Fatter than Bezos's Bank Account, and So Is Your Mom
Suck It!