America’s brightest pay a hefty price for their financial and intoxicating genius. Without a buffer between the booze and their blood stream, they crawl from out of their beds and into their graves the following morning.
Our friends in Australia took point and science’d up a type of beer that will put a stop to praying to porcelain gods.
By following Gatorade’s philosophy, Aussie scientists added electrolytes into two different beers. After making subjects work out for an hour, they had them drink legitimate post-workout recovery beer that result in retaining the very fluids that regular beer wrings out of drinkers and stokes hangovers.
Yeah, Science!
We’re a pro-science publication and salute advances in beer technology like Bud Light Platinum’s bargain buzz and Miller Lite’s shotgunning-primed punch-top cans. Science benefits the free market. It’s glorious.
But these hangover panaceas will, in fact, hurt businesses across the board, and irreparably harm countless nightlives.
With the slow erosion of fast food’s stature in society, the only remaining consumers of McDoubles and Cheesy Gordita Crunches are the recuperating ragers who depend on saturated fat content to see the next day.
In states where marijuana remains prohibited, this no-hangover beer would snuff out a fading industry.
Hard drinkers wear brutal hangovers like badges of honor. Society quantifies the quality of a night on the town by measuring the pain of the next day's hangover. Die-hard ragers take no half measures. A beer that could be served on an NFL sideline robs partiers of their well-earned glory.
This no-hangover beer also concerns me from a health perspective. Most learning comes from mistakes. For example, I learned not to touch power outlets by getting electrocuted when I was two-years-old. I also learned that my body doesn’t react well to gin after an especially lively night of drinking from a gin bucket.
If you didn’t get hangovers, wouldn’t a particular thirsty beer drinker keep drinking until he inflicted actual damage to their livers, brains, and upholstery?