Introducing Julia


Meet Julia.

Julia is a composite humanoid, model: 2012, unit: 44. She was manufactured in Chicago by the Obama for America Corporation by a remarkably homogenous and likeminded group of individuals whose favorite books, musical albums and (foreign) films are sufficiently obscure to the point that in some cases, they do not exist.

Julia’s assembly was overseen by federal czars at the U.S. Department of Truth and Gender Warfare. Her early development was facilitated by a number of taxpayer-funded programs such as Head Start. She leans forward, slightly.

Julia is powered by American taxpayer subsidies and thin-film photovoltaic solar cells (also funded by American taxpayers). Through a miraculous combination of federal tax dollars, hope and the enlightened post-partisan leadership of her creator–President Barack Obama–Julia has acquired an artificial intelligence almost indistinguishable from mankind (or womankind) itself.

Julia can do almost anything, thanks to the forward-thinking and omniscient genius possessed by her creator, and the statutorily-imposed generosity of her human counterparts.

Perhaps most impressive is Julia’s ability to bear children through a process described in certain arcane texts as “immaculate conception.” This is made possible in part by a federal directive mandating that Julia’s human counterparts pay for her birth control.

Julia has decent business acumen, and can perform adequately in many of the fields commonly occupied by female characters in Hollywood’s more lighthearted films – web design, for instance.

However, Julia has yet to develop the capacity to achieve success absent a considerable injection of federal funding or “stimulus,” often in the form of grants or loans. She was recently voted “Most Outgoing Volunteer Gardener” by the members of her commune.

Julia understands human emotions, although she does not feel them herself. This allows her to be more efficient and dedicated in service to her creator, and makes it easier for her human counterparts to interact with her.

Though she abhors provocative concepts such as “God” or “guns,” Julia can blend in among her human counterparts from “flyover country” with remarkable ease.

She can carry out directives that her human counterparts might find distressing or unethical, for example: ordering dozens of unmanned drone strikes against suspected terrorists and their families, or converting to Mormonism.

Julia thinks about many things, such as: fairness, NCAA basketball, and the disturbing behavior of a human-like counterpart known as a “Joe Biden.”

Julia prefers not to think about other things, like: Medicare (bankrupt by 2024), Social Security (insolvent by 2035), the U.S. economy (non-existent after 2027) and her Zachary’s share of the national debt (about $1.5 million).

Julia would like to express gratitude to those who created her.

When Julia is ultimately replaced by a newer, more devout humanoid model, she will receive a secular funeral service, after which her remaining assets will be seized.