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Planning for the GOP's Post-Trump Future

/ AP
March 9, 2016

Well, Donald Trump won another three states last night and it’s looking more and more likely that he’ll be the nominee. Given his impeccable credentials at winning, it seems likely that he’ll destroy Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders or whoever the Democrats choose to be their sacrificial lamb. It turns out that Trump was right: we’ll win so much that we’ll get sick of winning.

Still, I find it relatively hard to believe that Trump is going to want to serve a second term—like Polk, I can see him accomplishing his few goals (building a wall; deporting 12 million people by employing teams to go door to door to round up undesirables; making China import American goods by sheer force of will) and riding off into the sunset, work done. He has so many wonderful properties—really beautiful resorts, with golf courses designed by Jack Nicklaus—that I can’t believe he’ll be happy spending any more time in the drab, non-gold-painted White House than is absolutely necessary.

These establishment fools want Trump gone so they can get back to the way things were. But I know the truth: There's no going back. He's changed things. Forever. And that means the GOP needs to start planning for 2020! Who can the party recruit to pick up the mantle of Trump after he exits the stage? I have three suggestions.

Hulk Hogan

Hulk Hogan, wearing his 'formal' bandana (AP)
Hulk Hogan, wearing his 'formal' bandana (AP)

Pros:

  • High name recognition and great campaign theme song;
  • Can self-fund primary campaign after bankrupting Gawker, which also may leave him with his own media apparatus from which to spread his message of vitamin consumption and prayer utterance ahead of the primaries;
  • Extensive collection of bandanas for every occasion will wow world leaders;
  • Has 24-inch pythons. 

Cons:

  • Would be 67 by inauguration day, which is roughly 276 in professional wrestler years;
  • Racially insensitive musings on interracial relationships could retard minority outreach efforts undertaken by The Donald;
  • Position on literally every political issue unknown (not that it really matters, as we’ve seen with Trump);
  • Does not have a 10-inch python.

Kanye West

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Pros:

  • Has absorbed Cato and Heritage teachings on the importance of economic freedom;
  • Can make inroads with voters who are traditionally hesitant to back the Republican Party, such as E! viewers and the Twitter users who fight amongst each other to be the first to respond to celebrity tweets with words like "hi" and "daddy";
  • Has important ambassador to the trans community in step-mother-in-law Caitlyn Jenner.

Cons:

  • Taylor Swift wing of the party likely to go into open revolt, threatening the comity of the convention;
  • Fish sticks would be outlawed;
  • Almost certainly not an actual Republican (not that it really matters, as we’ve seen with Trump);
  • Resentment over failure to release The Life of Pablo on any platform other than Tidal could depress turnout.

Stephen Baldwin

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Pros:

  • Has long history of activism amongst religious groups and can turn out the crucial skateboarding evangelical community in battleground states such as Iowa, Idaho, and anywhere else where the population approaches 100 percent white;
  • Received top billing on The Usual Suspects, a movie that featured performances by Oscar-winning talent like Kevin Spacey and Benicio Del Toro;
  • Appeared on Celebrity Apprentice with GOP favorite, Donald Trump;
  • Not the Baldwin brother who called his daughter a "rude thoughtless little pig."

Cons:

  • Could inspire Alec to enter the race, whose natural charm, rapport with the press, and pleasant disposition would make him very hard to beat in the general;
  • Name recognition of the minor Baldwins is low and confused voters may ask things like "Why should I vote for the guy who was in Backdraft?" or "What’s the dude from John Carpenter’s Vampires doing running for office?"
  • Has never held elected office before (not that it really matters, as we’ve seen with Trump);
  • No relation to Adam Baldwin.

Published under: Donald Trump