There I was, minding my own business, thinking about how I had nothing on which to opine today, when I saw this abomination over at Business Insider in a post titled "8 Whiskey Drinking Tips":
2. Relax. You’re not doing it wrong.
Whiskey snobs may say there’s a "right" way to drink the stuff, but just relax. Simoneau has seen every request, from a Laphroaig 10 year Manhattan (a cocktail usually prepared with rye) to Johnnie Walker Blue and ginger ale. Point being: You don’t always need to drink it neat.
Oh, but you are. You really, really are.
Look, I'm going to be blunt here: Johnnie Walker Blue is the most overrated whiskey on the market. Don't get me wrong, it's a fine scotch. I enjoy it. It's smooth! But it's only a slight upgrade over Johnnie Walker Black in terms of taste and it's four times more expensive. You might as well eat twenty dollar bills; the effect is the same and you'll get some much-needed roughage.
However, for the love of god, if you're going to pay for that slight upgrade in taste enjoy it and do not drown it in sugary sweet soda. If that's how you're drinking your Johnnie Walker Blue, you are doing it wrong. I can ASSURE you of this. ALL CAPS ASSURE.
Also: If you're going to enjoy a whiskey and ginger ale, it shouldn't be scotch. Jack and Ginger is fine! Antique Weller and Ginger? Great! But scotch is too smoky; it doesn't go well with the ginger ale at all. Again: If you're ordering a scotch and ginger, you're doing it wrong.
I also seriously question this item:
7. Get local.
Craft distilling takes more time and effort than craft brewing, but the two industries are both in a renaissance right now. Simoneau likes to feature New York brands, like Brooklyn’s own Kings County Distillery, distiller of award-winning moonshine.
This may just be me, but I've only rarely had good luck with the craft distilleries. I'm a big fan of High West's Double Rye, but that has been the exception to the rule; a lot of the craft stuff tastes like turpentine. Do yourself a favor and don't buy something because of the city on the label. That's just asinine.
Don't do this:
6. Buy the app that will make sure you never pronounce anything wrong.
Just watch Brian Cox:
And, finally, there's one last item of horrible advice on this list, assuming you're not a 19-year-old sorority girl:
8. It’s fine to shoot flavored whiskey.
If the owner of a whiskey bar thinks it’s OK to take shots of Fireball and honey whiskey, it’s probably OK. "I’m not going to sit with it on the rocks, but it’s just fun to shoot," Simoneau says.
Look, to each his own and all that. But if you're shooting these and I catch you do it I'm going to mock you mercilessly and we might stop being friends. You're not in college any more. Act like a f—ing grownup.
Featured photo credit: SnaPsi Сталкер via Compfight cc
[Update: Fixed a small typo above; apologies—SB]