New Starbucks Code of Conduct

Wikimedia Commons

Instead of Starbucks simply saying that they'll try not to arrest any more random black dudes who are standing around their stores for a couple of minutes, the higher-ups have lost their damn minds, sending their employees to reeducation camp and announcing that anyone can linger in a Starbucks for as long as they want, and use the commode, without purchasing a single thing. While I'm sure New York City's hobo population is extremely excited for the new regime, Starbucks quickly realized that they were courting all sorts of disaster and backtracked mildly.

Simply telling people they can't sleep or shoot up at Starbucks feels insufficient, however. We need a full-on code of conduct if Starbucks is going to avoid future kerfuffles. Allow me to suggest the following as a starting point.

  • No purchase necessary! And if a paying customer juggling a cup of coffee and a laptop asks you how much longer you're going to be lounging in that chair, you are free to spit in his face one (1) time.
  • No sleeping, unless you have those glasses with the eyes painted on them in order to fool people into thinking you're not sleeping.
  • If you don't buy anything, you can't shoot up in the bathroom; there's a two-latte minimum to utilize Starbucks's needle exchange.
  • No kneeling while Sufjan Stevens songs are playing on the store speakers. You won't disrespect MY president like that.
  • Please limit yourself to two (2) bathroom sink scrubdowns per day. If you strip down to your last three pairs of underwear, which you're wearing all at once so no one will steal them from your rusty grocery cart, make sure to lock the door.
  • Free half and half for customers.
  • No half and halfs for non-customers unless the performer has received prior permission from the manager. Ten percent kicks back to the store.
  • If someone is listening to music without headphones, do not ask them to stop. Instead, think about how your own privilege has led you to believe that it is rude to subject people to unwanted music blasted at high volume through tiny speakers.
  • Baristas are required to aid you in your attempts to finish the Sunday NYT crossword puzzle; tips for solutions are welcome, but not mandatory.
  • While Starbucks would appreciate it if you did not gather up several chairs in order to make a "chair fort" that you cover with a blanket and forbid entrance to without the password, we will not ask you to leave if you do.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, of course; lord only knows the varieties of ways in which the coffee shop can be degraded by people who don't actually buy something from a restaurant before using its bathrooms or commandeering its meeting spaces. But hey, at least Starbucks is Part Of The Solution And Not Part Of The Problem now.