De Blasio Banned From Holding Groundhog After Last Year’s Cold-Blooded Murder

BY:

The Mayor who killed Groundhog Day.

In an already tumultuous week for New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio, more bad news arrived at his desk this morning: The Staten Island Zoo announced it will not trust de Blasio to handle its groundhog following last year's tragedy, when de Blasio dropped a poor groundhog who later died of internal injuries.

Instead of picking up the animal, the zoo will place the groundhog in a Plexiglas case for all to observe and admire. The zoo is not only forbidding the current mayor from the tradition, but all future mayors as well.

In other words, de Blasio literally killed a tradition that began more than four centuries ago. How will the fine people of New York know when to plan their annual closet turnover from flannels and pea coats to vintage sundresses and jean shorts?

For his part, de Blasio said he thinks the zoo's decision is a good idea.

"I think reform is needed," de Blasio joked. "I welcome a new approach… I must say, last time, there was not an overwhelming amount of preparation and orientation before I was handed him. May he rest in peace."

The Washington Free Beacon commends zoo officials for shielding future groundhogs from a cold-blooded killer who would most assuredly strike again if given the chance.

This post was written in loving memory of the senselessly lost Staten Island Chuck. We will never forget.

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