It's a time-honored American tradition.
You sit down for your favorite meal with the best of intentions—and end up eating way too much. You're stuffed, but you still spring for dessert. Suddenly, you're immobile. The pants you started the feast in don't fit anymore. You can't even get off the couch, let alone put one foot in front of the other.
If such a sequence of events makes you feel a bit self-loathing, don't let it. Because it turns out that America's premier apex predator sometimes finds itself in the same boat.
We're talking about the bald eagle, particularly one from the great state of Missouri, where wildlife officials discovered what they assumed was an injured bird. When they captured it for medical examination, they became confused. They expected to find signs of broken wings or blunt trauma. Instead, they found a perfectly healthy bald eagle—filled to the brim with the remains of a raccoon.
Our feathered friend, you see, had stumbled upon some roadkill. And he took full advantage, eating every bit of that raccoon, paws and legs included. He wasn't injured. He was drunk on freedom and, literally, "too fat to fly."
"The bird, originally reported to be injured, was found to be healthy but engorged with racoon—in other words, too fat to fly," Missouri conservation officials said in a statement. "The eagle has been rehabilitated and released back into the park." Accompanying photos show both the American hero and his expanded stomach. And he looks damn proud, as he should.
Fat bald eagle, you inspire us. You could have bucked the responsibility that comes with being a living symbol of American exceptionalism. Instead, you embraced it, providing your fellow patriots with a blueprint on how to kick commie ass. We have no doubt you will gorge again. Only now, you will do so as a Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year.
