These 2019 Headlines Are Just ‘Mad Libs’ for Mad Libs

[Verb] those [adjective] libs!

It's not unusual these days to experience a sense of déjà vu when browsing the latest headlines on social media. The stories are the same, just with different words plugged in almost at random. It's as if our nation's journalists are gradually working their way through a giant book of Mad Libs (2019 Edition).

American Birds Retaliate for Obama-Era Killing Spree

Revenge of the birds

Obama's primary goal as president — apart from transforming America into a radical hellscape of feral bureaucrats chanting in "woke" tongues and breaking into preschools and daycare centers to replace all the story-time books with Korans — was to kill or maim as many majestic flying creatures (especially bald eagles) as the ruthless war machines under his command would allow. Now that this genocidal maniac is out of office, America's birds have finally mustered up the courage to fight back

The Woker Evil

As the Democratic primary heats up, woke capitalists demand to be heard

As the 2020 presidential primary heats up, Democrats find themselves in the midst of a fascinating intramural debate. On one side, you have the unapologetic socialists such as Bernie Sanders and “The Squad.” On the other, you have pretty much everyone else — Democrats who are reluctant to embrace Full Socialism, but are similarly hesitant to defend American capitalism in explicit terms in front of Democratic primary voters.

House Defense Bill Would Embolden Iran

Dem-backed NDAA would undermine American deterrence

An amendment in the House's version of the annual defense bill that would prevent President Trump from striking Iran without congressional approval would actually facilitate Iranian belligerence—and, if anything, make war more likely.

Suggestions for Things to Name After Donald Trump

If and when he finally leaves office

Even Barack Obama has things named after him, such as President Barack H. Obama Highway in California, Mount Obama in Antigua and Barbuda (originally "Boggy Peak"), a horse that competed at the World Equestrian Games, and a new species of sea slug — Placida barackobamai. If and when President Donald J. Trump leaves office, what are some of the things we should name after him?

Just The Tip Sheet

Mark Halperin wants to cram your inbox

Disgraced journalist Mark Halperin has expressed a desire to be "reintegrated into society" after his lucrative career was derailed in 2017 by multiple allegations of sexual misconduct, behavior that one former colleague described as an "open secret" at ABC News, where Halperin previously worked as political director. Thus far, society hasn't been clamoring to take Halperin back.

SCARE QUOTES: The Most Relatable President Ever

Review: 'How To Think Like Obama' by Daniel Smith

What do Steve Jobs, Nelson Mandela, Albert Einstein, Winston Churchill, Bill Gates, Leonardo da Vinci, Stephen Hawking, and Sigmund Freud have in common? For starters, they have all earned the right to be mentioned in the same breath as Barack Obama in a discussion about history's greatest thinkers.

The EU’s Next High Representative for Appeasing Iran

Josep Borrell Fontelles's views on Iran and Israel are dangerous and deeply misguided

For anyone who cares about protecting Western interests and values, Spanish Foreign Minister Josep Borrell Fontelles is a horrendous choice to serve as the European Union's next high representative for foreign affairs.

Patriotic Shoe Suggestions for Americans Who Love Their Country As Much As They Love Owning Libs

Do tread on these

There’s a new Nike controversy involving a shoe the woke corporation assumed would be a charmingly patriotic way to cash in on the 4th of July holiday spirit. The shoe in question, which featured the original version of the American flag designed by Betsy Ross, was ultimately #cancelled after complaints from Colin Kaepernick, among others, that the flag was offensive due to its association with slavery.