How many different foods have you seen Henry Winkler eat in his storied television career? Would two or three be putting the number too high? I only remember burgers and fries and milkshakes in Happy Days, but then again when the classic ran in the 9:00 p.m. slot on Nick at Nite I rarely made it further than the opening credits.
Last night I saw the Fonze sit down in front of—in no particular order—a baby mouse, eyeball soup, udon, and what was described by his newfound bosom companion William Shatner as "cow penis" (that can’t be right, can it?). Winkler didn’t make it very far with three of these, but he chowed down on the udon. He had to. He had a train to catch.
Better Late Than Never (NBC, TV-PG) is a travel program featuring Winkler, Terry Bradshaw, George Foreman, and William Shatner. Its premise, basically, is that foreign countries are funny. Our oldster quartet is here to show us all the ways this time-honored American prejudice is true.
Each man has a well-defined personality. Winkler is timid and neurotic but more or less good-natured. Shatner is a stodgy intellectual of refined tastes and a constant foil to Bradshaw, a jock who addresses viewers metonymically as "America." Big George is a kind of laconic sage, saying little and enduring much.
This week’s episode begins with the men heading to Kyoto, "the seat of culture in Japan," as Shat helpfully informs us. Their first stop is a traditional geisha house where, first thing, Bradshaw hits his head on a door and Shatner announces to the audience that he is hoping to "find Enlightenment." The lads eat a meal, which only Foreman seems to enjoy, and Bradshaw jokes—at least I think he is joking—about the women’s looks and proceeds to get poor Winkler sloshed. "I’ve figured it out, America: the job of the geisha girl is to get us loaded."
The boys dance to "Tequila." Someone breaks a screen door. Shatner is less than thrilled about all this: "I’m dealing with children," he says. "I’m never going to find my Zen."
The rest of the evening is spent grumbling. Their room at the ryo-kan is too small. Shat wants more space; Bradshaw tells him to lighten up and have "fun"; Shat tells Terry he is being "idiotic"; the former Steelers quarterback fires back to say that his rival is "90 years old" and needs to take his pills. Meanwhile Henry complains about being drunk. "I had more sake than I have ever had combined in my life and I just want to lie here and be quiet and fall asleep." Foreman is unconscious.
The next day there is, at Bradshaw’s insistence, a visit to a "samurai warrior school," a meditation class for Shatner, who wants to "heal the mind" and "be a part of the universe," and a lantern festival. Captain Kirk turns out to be better at throwing ninja stars than the quarterback, who fails to hit the bamboo target. They fight about it and then dance to Harry Belafonte’s "Jump in Line." Later a monk hits Winkler on the head with a stick, someone farts, and a cellphone goes off.
That evening, standing over a bridge at a festival, the lads write wishes on their boat-lanterns. Terry asks Shat about his wish:
"I wished for nirvana."
"Wa’n’t that some kinda’ rock group?"
"It’s like heaven, baby."
Shatner’s lantern catches fire in the river.
The next destination is Hong Kong. No sooner have they arrived than Shatner’s interest in pursuing the Noble Eight-Fold Path seems to have disappeared, with luxury accommodations and modes of transportation taking the place of soteriological release. I think something similar happens to the title character in Herman Hesse’s Siddharta, but don’t quote me on the details—you can’t, I’m told, actually open that book past the age of 19 without developing a sudden and all-consuming appetite for Quicksilver Messenger Service deep cuts and Purple Kush. Shatner insists on their "seeing Hong Kong in style," which means being picked up from the airport in a helicopter and flown to the presidential suite—the largest in Asia—at the Intercontinental Hotel, where Bradshaw in particular is impressed by the amenities. "This is more than just a toilet," he says, pushing buttons on the space-age commode. "I think this is the first time Terry has seen indoor plumbing," Shatner notes. Bradshaw responds by jumping naked into the rooftop pool. "I wanted to see Hong Kong, not Hung Dong."
The high living continues with a trip in a Bentley to a marina where the quartet rents a yacht. No one, except perhaps Foreman, lives up to Shatner’s gentlemanly expectations. "I planned this whole thing to make them sophisticated. They are acting like idiots." They get fitted for new suits in preparation for a night of cigar smoking and earnest conversation about life. Shatner asks Winkler about "the defining moment of [his] life," which turns out to be auditioning for Happy Days.
In the morning they decide to investigate traditional Chinese medicine. Winkler and Bradshaw are immediately put out by the sight of baby mouse wine, even though it is "believed to cure anything from liver disease to asthma." "This does not look like a pharmacy to me," Henry says. "I’d just as soon keep my knee hurtin’," Terry adds. Nor does he fancy the idea of eating a live king cobra. "Four Super Bowls and he’s afraid of a snake," Shatner notes with contempt. They leave and visit the Apliu Street flea market where Bradshaw sings Isley Brothers karaoke.
The program is not all banter and laughs. Occasionally we are treated to black-and-white title cards that announce fun facts related to the men’s travels. One learns, for example, that the height of the average door in Japan is five feet, eight inches; that "Training to be a geisha takes as long as becoming a doctor"; that "Samurai were the rock stars of the time and they were total badasses." Apparently there are "twice as many skyscrapers in Hong Kong" as there are in New York. Also helicopters are 85 times more dangerous than driving.
The episode ends on a note of kindness and reconciliation. Bradshaw admits, "Deep down, Shatner’s a really cool guy." Winkler sums things up: "After everything is said and done, being with your friends—you can’t put a price on that."
Next week: South Korea.