The People v. Mayor Goodway: An American Crime Story

Column: One father’s case against PAW Patrol

May 13, 2016

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(Cocaine Trafficking) 

                                                    The Grand Jury charges:


  1. On or about August 12, 2013, ANGELA REINHOLD, the defendant, commandeered a Cigarette 50’ Marauder from Pier 8 of the Dante B. Fascell Port of Miami which she used to travel, at unsafe speeds, to a deserted atoll north-northeast of the Communist nation of CUBA.
  1. U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency ("DEA") officials who inspected the Marauder after it was found abandoned and adrift in the Bermuda triangle several months later recovered 3 tons of cocaine hydrochloride ("Coke") that the defendant had purchased under the nom de plume CARIBBEAN CALYPSO from the Sinaloa cartel of Culiacán, Mexico ("Cartel").
  1. DEA officials also recovered defendant’s to-do list ("List") which outlined plans to wake up, have breakfast, brush teeth, and deliver 6,000 pounds of Mexican Big Rush ("Yeyo") to JAVIER FRANCISCO GONZALEZ ABREU aka THE AVENGER OF MEDELLIN aka RYDER for processing and distribution throughout the Eastern Caribbean.


(Medicare Fraud) 

                                    The Grand Jury further charges:

  1. Having abandoned her vessel at the first sign of a U.S. Coast Guard Long Range Interceptor-II ("The Heat"), REINHOLD boarded the S.S. FLOUNDER piloted by French national HORATIO "THE SHARK" GUÉHENNO aka CAPTAIN HORATIO TURBOT, who completed the journey to the atoll where ABREU awaited her arrival.Screen Shot 2016-05-12 at 12.33.25 PM
  1. Using a satellite phone and fax machine, REINHOLD and ABREU assumed the identities of MAYOR GOODWAY and RYDER and began submitting Medicare reimbursement forms on behalf of fictional patients at the nonexistent hospital on the mosquito-infested volcanic crater that they rechristened ADVENTURE BAY.
  1. Between August 14, 2013, and May 12, 2016, MAYOR GOODWAY and RYDER billed the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services ("USDHHSCMMS") some $800 million that they invested in a variety of Real Estate Investment Trusts ("REIT"), mutual funds, and low-risk municipal bonds associated with the Cartel. They also used the proceeds to construct on ADVENTURE BAY highways, single-family homes, skyscrapers, a city hall, parks, an Emergency Command Center ("ECC"), and a fenced, camouflaged, 200,000-acre poppy field.abay humdinger
  1. Despite the variety of structures on ADVENTURE BAY and the fact that cars and trucks appear routinely to travel on its highways, bridges, and secondary roads, electro-magnetic thermal reconnaissance by the U.S. Geospatial Intelligence Foundation of the National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency ("USGIF of the NGA") has concluded that the island is basically uninhabited.
  1. The only residents, as far as we can tell, are MAYOR GOODWAY, RYDER, Abreu’s girlfriend and drug mule CATHERINE NYKVIST aka KATIE, the mustachioed jewel thief AUGUSTUS TRAPNAPPLE aka MR. PORTER and his grandson ALEX PORTER, Abreu’s protégé DANIELO JOSÉ COSTA aka "DARING DANNY X," the infamous pharmacologist and biochemist YUMIKO OZU aka FARMER YUMI, poppy cultivator FARMER AL, and Reinhold’s uncle, brother, and nephews. CAPTAIN TURBOT lives offshore in international waters.
  1. A man who calls himself MAYOR HUMDINGER dresses in purple and lives alone in a cave with five cats. He is clearly insane.


(Cruelty to animals)

                                 The Grand Jury further charges:

  1. Shortly after MAYOR GOODWAY and RYDER began their kickback and drug-running scheme, U.S. Department of Fish and Wildlife ("USDFW") tracked a modified SLSA GT 500 light-sport aircraft carrying SIX DOGS from Abreu’s previous hideout in the Dominican Republic to ADVENTURE BAY.

  1. When the Dalmation, Cockapoo, German shepherd, mixed breed, Chocolate Labrador, and Bull Dog puppies arrived, MAYOR GOODWAY and RYDER housed them in the ECC, dressed them in ridiculous outfits, and—we are not making this up—invested them with responsibility for maintaining the island’s public security, fire safety, refuse disposal, construction, and sea and air rescue.
  1. MAYOR GOODWAY and RYDER thus enabled and encouraged unlicensed domestic animals to operate HEAVY MACHINERY, including but not limited to police and fire vehicles, helicopters, bulldozers, ATVs, hovercraft, and drones, putting the lives of the animals and all eight people on the island in serious jeopardy.

    Chickaletta: Victim
    Chickaletta: Victim
  1. In addition, MAYOR GOODWAY has developed an obsessive and possibly abusive relationship with her domesticated fowl CHICKALETTA, who she carries in her purse, has trained in the martial art of HEN-KIDDO, possibly to assassinate political opponents, and in an abuse of her executive authority has appointed deputy mayor of ADVENTURE BAY.


  2. As a result of committing one or more of the offenses alleged in Counts One through Three of this Indictment, ANGELA REINHOLD aka MAYOR GOODWAY, the defendant, shall forfeit to the United States, pursuant to 18 U.S.C. § 981 (a)(1)(C) and 28 U.S.C. § 2461, all property, real and personal, that constitutes or is derived, directly or indirectly, from proceeds traceable to the commission of the said offenses, including but not limited to the buildings, materials, transportation networks, government facilities and vehicles, currency, weapons caches, and drug paraphernalia on ADVENTURE BAY, the animals in her possession including MARSHAL, CHASE, ZUMA, ROCKY, RUBBLE, and SKYE as well as CHICKALETTA, ROBODOG, and THE PIGLETS, and her other personal and professional effects, from now until such time as her trial concludes or we are finally able to get that damned theme song out of our heads.

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Published under: Parody