The problem with capitalism, the worst economic system except for all the others, is that it's set up to give people what they want, even when what people want is terrible and wrong. The movie theater is a pretty prime example of this phenomenon. Consider, for instance, this list of box office winners compiled by Dustin Rowles over at Pajiba. "Let’s quickly take a look at the 20 biggest hits of the year, worldwide," he writes, noting, "There’s only two original properties in the whole damn bunch (Interstellar and Lucy), while everything else was a sequel, based on an existing property, or adapted, though props to both Gone Girl and Edge of Tomorrow for not being franchise movies. Michael Bay, sadly, is still the biggest force at the box-office, with two entries in the top 20 (one as director, one as producer)."
We complain that the theaters are full of crap—full of sequels and prequels and robots punching each other for two-and-a-half hours and reboots of remakes that were themselves reboots—but the reason that they're full of crap is because we pay large quantities of money to watch crap. I know, I know. I'm not blowing your mind with this Hot Take. I just wanted to set the stage for capitalism's true horror: the rise of theaters that cater to in-theater cell phone users.
[Stanley] Kubrick is one of the most infamously perfectionistic directors to have ever lived. The man wrote detailed letters to projectionists in order that viewers might watch his work in the manner intended right down to intensity of screen lighting and intermission music. It was even rumoured that he attended random screenings and sat quietly in the back to make sure things looked okay. In short, he cared — more than any of us — about screening conditions in cinemas. Hence when some gentleman in the row in front started tooling around on his mobile during [2001: A Space Odyssey's] opening chimp sequence, we felt more than usually justified in politely asking him to terminate the distracting tomfoolery.
He turned around in clear possession of thoughts to share. I readied myself for abuse.
"Part of the cinema's service is that you can text the bar for a drink."
In an ideal world, all theaters would respond to cell phone use as the Alamo Drafthouse does:
But we don't live in an ideal world. We live in a world in which people are terrible. A world in which they don't care about the fact that their little rectangle-shaped flashlights are horribly distracting to other audience members. A world in which justice is frequently denied to those of us who believe that theater-texters should, at least, be removed from the cinema and, in a better world, be physically harmed for their rudeness.
Because there are so many people who are terrible—so many people who don't care about simple things like courtesy and thoughtfulness—theaters are, perversely, incentivized to cater to them. We live in a world in which it makes sense for theaters to offer a service like in-theater-SMS-drink-ordering, because that's what people want.
Now look, I'm not saying that we should embrace Marxism or anything. Capitalism is still pretty great; indeed, we see the greatness of capitalism in theaters such as the Angelikas and the Alamo Drafthouses and the Arclights of the world. People are willing to pay a premium for a premium experience, one that does include assigned seating and plush chairs and doesn't include rude people on their mobiles. But! If the vanguard offered to first put up against the wall those who used their cell phones in theaters? Well, I might have to take a second look at ol' Karl's theories.