Improving Your Home with a Moron

• August 15, 2013 2:11 pm


"Think of how much you're learning," my mother told me on the phone the other day.

That, I think, sums up best how things have been going lately.

But this is why I do the things I do: So I can learn something, and then tell y'all, and then we can all laugh about it. Like the time I locked myself out, or when I ended up sprinting after my car as it was being towed away in the rain last winter. Once I put together a double bed by myself and forgot to put the slats down first.

Anyway, let’s say you decide to paint your apartment or a room or anything this weekend. Here are a few hot tips for that project:

  1. Do not use the wrong paint.
  2. Do not use the wrong brushes.
  3. Do not use the wrong roller pads.

Painting is hard, I thought, and it doesn't even look right!

I was using a flat-enamel finish on the ceiling, a brush for oil paint and polyurethane, and a semi-smooth to semi-rough roller pad. As it turns out, painting is significantly easier when you follow the above steps. (If you want some actual guidance on painting, here you go.)

Also, on the off chance you’re trying to hack a Glade Plug-in to put eucalyptus oil in there (a long, boring story), follow these steps:

  1. Do not do this.
  2. Do not buy the "lavender and vanilla" scent on a whim when you realize Glade does not sell empties because this is like OPEC.
  3. Do not forget to put on kitchen gloves, as "lavender and vanilla" smells like loneliness and now your hands will, too.
  4. Do not try to use a putty knife to open the oil capsule.
  5. Do not try to use a screwdriver to open the oil capsule.
  6. Do not, in reckless frustration, fling the top of the oil capsule open with a table knife, sending "lavender and vanilla" all over the kitchen sink and straight into your eye, leaving you wondering, as you flush your eye out under the tap, if you have been blinded by—of all the embarrassing things to be blinded by—a Glade Plug-in.

So there you have it. Have a good weekend, everybody!

Published under: Beastmode