As the 2013 off-season transitions to the 2013 pre-season, HBO’s "Hard Knocks" is chronicling a Cincinnati Bengals team ready to become division champs and conference favorites.
In a league propelled by quarterbacks, Bengals QB Andy Dalton is best known for demonstrating the unwritten rule that gingers can’t win playoff games.
Dalton’s off-season training included Pilates reformers, a class Dalton’s wife certified for during the summer. I don’t know if Dalton is looking to start a trend, but only housewives and holistic hippies take reformer classes.
Dalton attempted to make fetch twice in this episode, which has to be a "Hard Knocks" record. The first time was with his Pilates routine. The second time is showing off his rubber wedding band. It's a cute token of commitment, but only further reinforces the impression that Dalton's wife, like his coaches, keeps him on a tight leash.
Rookie Giovani Bernard, on the other hand, is a free man. Only a truly liberated human would buy his girlfriend’s mom's mini-van for himself. Nard Dog was the first running back taken in this year’s draft, and will be a critical weapon for Dalton, both as a receiving option and as a teacher in acceptable man-havior.
I’m buying Bengals stock this season because of the consistency on the roster and coaching staff. There’s a reason Marvin Lewis is the second-longest tenured head coach in a league where the average head coaching career lasts 39 months.
Lewis can motivate, even in front of underpaid staffers and angry spouses who dislike their husbands working 100-hour work weeks.
Lewis is also not afraid to pitch in on the dirty work.
Solid coaching continues down the roster as running backs coach Hue Douglas treats his players to a lavish meal of fine Cincinnati lobster. Happy running backs run on sweet, buttery crustaceans.
Because of Cincy’s relative obscurity as a city and football team, the Bengals have to give second chances to players who’ve dabbled once or four times with Johnny Law. "Mr. Make-It Rain" Pacman Jones, for example, must have ditched all of his singles on his way to practice, since he didn't refuel his car.
Most of the Bengals who haven't been arrested over the years are not well known. But one guy who’s been front-row center in the league is new Bengal linebacker James Harrison. Harrison is the Terminator, a man of few words and many obscene gestures.
Harrison's affinity for guns and distain for the federal government will make him a great Tea Party candidate one day.
Violent, virile, and victorious—America distilled to her very essence. It's the Oklahoma drill:
Then again, Pro Bowl defensive mammoth Geno Atkins being bested in the drill by a tight end does lessen my Bengals optimism a bit.
The monotony of football training camp requires stimulating debate to stave off complete insanity. For Taylor Mays, it’s debating the physics of flying.
The tension and urgency to win is more palpable with Cincy than with any other team in the league. If the Bengals remain, well, the Bengals, heads will roll. And in the case of rookie Larry Black, ankles will roll too.
