Halloween Candy Mock Draft (New Substandard!)

A young Biff Diddle (right) celebrates Halloween.

It's Halloween next week, so Vic, JVL, and I decided to do something a little different on the latest episode of The Substandard (Subscribe! Review!). Instead of doing something gauche like ranking the candies—pfft—we decided to kick it up a notch and have a mock candy draft. That's right, we're stealing a decade-old bit from a nearly defunct football blog! Say we're not innovators one more time, I dare you, I double dare you, motherf—er.

Anyway, after the embed, I'll reveal the final drafted teams (mine is the best, obviously) and offer up a Bottom Three Halloween Treats. SPOILERS FOR THE PODCAST, obviously. Don't read if you want to learn who wins each delicious candy treat in real time.

Okay, here are the final lineups:


Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup
York Peppermint Patty
Sour Patch Kids
Rice Crispy Treat
Special Dark
Candy Corn


Everlasting Gobstopper
100 Grand
Almond Joy
Turtle Bar
Mr. Goodbar
Sweet Tarts
Baby Ruth


Anything King Size
M&M’s Plain
M&M’s Peanut
Reese’s Pieces
Mike & Ikes
Nestle Crunch Bar
Blow Pop
Three Musketeers

Just going to throw this out there: Mine is by far the best, a perfect mix of fruity candies and chocolate treats. I also cornered the market on M&Ms, probably the best candy. Vic's is straight garbage—seriously, pick another thing with chocolate in peanuts in it why don't you—while JVL's list is intriguing but ultimately underwhelming. The only candy he nabbed that I wanted was Smarties, but I let them sit on the board too long so it's my fault. And I'd probably rather still have Three Musketeers anyway. Nougat is amazing.

Biggest surprise, at least on my end? No white chocolate. I know, I know. I'm as shocked as you. But there aren't really any classic white chocolate Halloween treats, except maybe Hershey's Cookies and Creme. Hugs are more of an Easter or Christmas thing, I think.

Anyway, what are the WORST Halloween offerings? I'm glad you asked! In order:

3. Popcorn


Unless it's, like, Poppycock or something, there's no reason to give a child popcorn for Halloween. That's just sick.

2. Pennies

What kind of pervert gives a child expecting sweet delicious candy inedible outdated currency? Should string these monsters up, in my opinion.

1. Tootsie Rolls

They look like poo.

They kind of taste like it too.