CNBC Debate Moderators, Ranked

October 28, 2015

I think the obvious loser tonight was CNBC's moderators: Their questions were garbage, their rules non-existent, their control of the debate nil. Still, not all of them were equally bad. So allow me to rank the CNBC moderators.

1. Fake Louis CK

Screen Shot 2015-10-28 at 10.10.32 PM

The least manic of the questioners with the best interrogations, Jim Cramer was the best.

2. Rick Santelli


Slightly more manic, but smarter, with no dumb gotchas.

3. Sharon Epperson


I literally cannot remember a question she asked, which makes her better than the next three.

4. Becky Quick


Slightly annoying, but not nearly as bad as the next two in part because she didn't push the issue when the candidates pointed out that the questions being thrown at them were hot garb.

5. Carl Quintanilla


Asked the single dumbest question of the debate when he suggested the candidates reveal their biggest weakness. People who ask this question in job interviews should be shot. The answers are the original humblebrag. Delete your account.

6. John Harwood

WASHINGTON - JUNE 22:  Chief Washington Correspondent of CNBC John Harwood speaks during a taping of "Meet the Press" at the NBC studios June 22, 2008 in Washington, DC. Harwood discussed topics related to the presidential race between Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) and Sen. Johan McCain (R-AZ).  (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images for Meet the Press)

My God. You couldn't have been worse. In fact, you were so bad at being a hack you made everyone else look better in comparison. Rubio made you his property when he pointed out that your work is riddled with errors. Cruz made you and your compatriots look like idiots when he went Hurricane Ted on your behinds. You got more boos than anyone onstage. You should be embarrassed. Please reconsider your life choices.