You think I'm talking about Hillary? Puh-leez. The candidate America needs is her amazing brother-in-law, Roger.
Here are nine reasons why.
1) Youth
Roger Clinton is turning 60 this year, which means he is much closer to the mean age of presidents at their inauguration—55—than either Hillary or Donald Trump. Teddy Roosevelt, Kennedy, Bill himself: America likes an energetic young buck in the White House. This is a no-brainer.
2) Musical career
Where to begin? We're talking about a guy who was introduced by Willie Nelson at Farm Aid in 1993:
He also wrote a song for Pumpkinhead II: Bloodwings, a film critics have called "fairly entertaining."
Sample lyrics:
I watch the world walk around me
Afraid to look in my eyes
Try to hide, bow my head
Then I wonder why
I feel the anger slowly surface
As my soul's been sacrificed
Self-control has no hold
And outside it's cold as hell
His debut album, Nothing Good Comes Easy, cut for Atlantic in 1994, earned three stars from the All Music Guide. To put things in perspective, that's the same score the first Eagles record received. All of which is to say, Roger is a bona fide rock legend.
3) Acting
Not that this great man has put all his eggs in one basket. He's also done plenty of work in movies and TV. In addition to contributing that heartbreaking power ballad to the soundtrack, he also played the mayor in Pumpkinhead II. His other screen credits include Bio-Dome, The Nanny, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Fred Claus, and Blues Brothers: The Animated Series, in which he voiced his brother.
4) Drawing
That's right. The man is an artist as well. Watch him draw an Apple computer in this episode of the syndicated gameshow version of Pictionary, which also features Rosie O'Donnell, Sally Struthers, and Vicki Lawrence.
5) Video games
I know, I know. This résumé is getting a little out of hand. But there's just so much to report. The only thing I'll mention here is that Clinton also lent his voice talents to The Rugrats Adventure Game. Here's the mouth-watering tagline: "The evil Alien Queen Angeleeka [sic] is out to destroy the world - and Reptar, the babies' only hope, could end up a light snack for Hubert the Trash Monster. So it's up to you to save the day in a real Rugrats adventure!"
According to IMDB, Roger voiced an alien, the second trashman, and a male teacher in this gaming masterpiece.
6) Diplomatic acumen
Last but not least (I'm not even going to get into his distinguished career as an author), Roger has arguably as much international diplomatic expertise as his brother and sister-in-law. Roger is a world traveler. Like Dennis Rodman, he's even been to North Korea. He has spoken of his "warm reception there." A hard-headed foreign policy realist, he has argued against criticizing the country's communist ideology and the Kim dynastic regime: "Any people can live in their own way that they think right." See this wide-ranging interview for his fascinating insights into the Hermit Kingdom.
7) Support for equal pay
Consider this. According to the Daily Mail, Roger paid the woman photographed above $150 just to make him some rice. That's equal pay for women and then some. It's unfortunate that another woman who happened to be at his house attacked her with a frying pan—but not his fault, obviously.
8) Sports
If you can't tell from the picture here, Roger is probably the world's number-one Razorbacks fan. Just compare Hillary's nervous smile and Bill's tepid clap with what our boy is doing here. College sports can bring Americans together, and so can Roger Clinton.
He is also huge on golf.
PS: Those sweaters are great, too, aren't they?
9) War on Drugs
Unlike teetotaling Trump, non-inhaling Bill, and the latter's lame wife, Roger knows a heck of a lot about the War on Drugs. He was very nearly a casualty of it in 1985. He is definitely the man to continue Obama's legacy of commuting sentences for dope-pushing felons and other lawbreakers.
So there we have it, folks. If anybody wants to get together to make signs and stuff, let me know.
