The "official record" will reflect that Joe Biden served as the 46th president of the United States between 2021 and 2025 (assuming he lives to see the new year), which is why you should never believe anything you read in a history book. The American people know the truth. Sleepy Joe has been scientifically dead for at least two years, if not longer. His body crippled by rigor mortis, his brain the color and consistency of fecal slurry. That's why we're giving this coveted Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year award to the person who has actually been running the country this whole time: Jill Biden, America's desperate housewife.
In fact, we're going to call her Dr. Jill Biden from now on. At first it was fun to mock her demand for the title on account of a worthless education degree. But considering the actual experience she's accumulated in the field of home health care these past few years—giving sponge baths, changing bedpans, and administering the military-grade narcotics that allowed our nominal leader to present as semi-coherent in public settings—we feel she's earned it. Caring for a spouse with severe dementia is never easy, even for the vast majority of us who aren't secretly in charge of the world's largest economy and commanding its most powerful military, not to mention having to put up with a crackhead stepson who once called you a "selfish silly entitled c—t" and "vindictive moron" who "wouldn't survive one class in a[n] ivy graduate program."
We certainly don't approve of the way Dr. Jill has been leading the country these past four years, but we're not even mad. We're amazed that she managed to pull it off under the circumstances. Game respect game. She achieved a level of absolute power that Hillary Clinton—the ice queen of ruthless ambition herself—could only dream of. We're a little creeped out by Sleepy Joe's comments about the "great sex" he's having, considering he probably lacks the capacity to legally consent, but we're willing to give Jill the benefit of the doubt. We would never kink-shame a commander in chief.
It's only a matter of time before Ivanka Trump (or Nancy Mace, or the Hawk Tuah girl, or Sam Alito's wife) is sworn in to become what ignorant experts will describe as "our first woman president." We'll be elated, obviously, but we won't be fooled. The Free Beacon will never forget Dr. Jill's historic service to this country, even though basically any man could have done a better job. And if she decides to plot a path back to power, she will have an esteemed Free Beacon Man of the Year award to point to on the campaign trail.
