Christmas, Fred says in Dickens's Christmas Carol, is "a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time." At the Washington Free Beacon, we recognize the importance of gregariousness, reconciliation, altruism, and recreation.
We also recognize the importance of saying the damn word. "Happy holidays?' We're not talking about National Juggling Day or Mathematics Awareness Month here or some whole week where you're supposed to congratulate public school teachers on not being communists. This is Christmas, damn it, and in a banner year for Western civilization like 2017, we are proud to stand with President Trump in offering our readers not only a Merry Christmas but the fruits of our extensive research into the wonders of free enterprise in the hope of helping you select something not totally lame like sweaters or a gift card for your loved ones.
Our experts teamed up with partners in Texas, Milwaukee, Russia, Ecuador, Dubai, and Taiwan to test thousands of products and share with you the very best. Whether you're shopping for Mister, Missus, or Minors, and for everyday life in the Mansion, the Washington Free Beacon Christmas Gift Guide has what you're looking for.
Mister
Philippe Patek Aquanaut 5167/1A, $41,479
For the man whose time is valuable, if not quite priceless. With a flawless 21.5 carat VS1-VS2 diamond set in every square millimeter. Walmart.com.
Trump National Golf Club Mar a Lago Membership, $200,000 Initiation Fee + $14,000 Annual Dues
Instead of spending your Sunday afternoons chasing balls at your local dump of a course, enjoy the peerless atmosphere of the world's most luxurious and exclusive private resort and the site of numberless displays of diplomatic acumen unseen since the Nixon administration. Please contact managing director Bernd Lembcke at 561-832-2600 or blembcke@maralagoclub.com to discuss membership opportunities at the present time.
Golden Fleece BrooksCloud Blue Silk and Linen Twill Suit, $1,698
A modern classic in blue as true as the waters of old Denali or the blood of patriots. Made by hand in Haverhill, Massachusetts, by our great American workers, not by communist children. Dry-clean only. Brooks Brothers.
Schwarzenegger Crew Socks, $12
Help your man pay homage to one of our greatest thespians—and a lame RINO governor and failed television host on badly failing NBC—with these high-quality stockings. Unisex, 100 percent polyester. One size fits most. Living Royal.
The Proper Meditation Seat, $347
Essential for the pagan but extremely bad-ass practice of the Seven Virtues of Bushido—rectitude, respect, heroism, honor, compassion, honesty, and duty—as taught by Master Yamamoto Tsunetomo in his treatise In Shadow of Leaves. Hammacher Schlemmer.
Missus
Pussy Hat Project Official Pattern, Free
Available as a free download for sewing, knitting, and crocheting, this blueprint is the perfect gift for any self-righteous sufferer from extreme d***-fright on your list for whom you don't want to splurge on a pearl necklace. PussyHatProject.com.
D'Amalfi Limoncello Supreme, $32,000,000
The neck and the bottle contain four of the world's rarest diamonds to accompany the delicious lemon flavor of the liqueur. Stuart Hughes.
'Women Who Work: Rewriting the Rules for Success', by Ivanka Trump, $14
A modern classic in the tradition of such immortal works of American belles lettres as The Education of Henry Adams, the MIT Press edition of George Santayana's letters, and The Art of the Deal. Amazon.
Gaggle 6, $1500
This durable six-passenger child stroller with exclusive QuickFit™ adjustable harness, safety break, and optional weather-proof roof is the perfect way for you to prove that replacement-rate fertility is as dated and tacky as the Clinton administration while squeezing in your cardio. Foundations.
Minors
McDonald's Restaurant Arch Card, in amount of choice
Treat the boy or girl on your list to dead cows served au special sauce avec lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions artfully paired with fried potatoes, tomato puree, and refreshing carbonated syrup made from real American corn. They don't even have the scary clown guy anymore. Reloadable. Local McDonald's franchise.
Winter Troika Nesting Dolls, $1500
From Russia with love, these beautiful authentic toys are sure to steal the affection of your wee ones whether they bothered to campaign in Wisconsin or not. Hand carved and painted in 30 pieces. FromRussia.com.
Barbie, $20
Available in hijab, "People are People" t-shirt, undocumented immigrant, and LGBTQ rights campaigner models, this is the single wokest piece of Southeast Asian plastic you can buy. Target.
Giant Reindeer Snow Tube, $25
Made of the highest quality heavy-gauge vinyl PVC for optimal speed and featuring handles designed for maximum comfort. Not recommended for children under eight or over 80. Big Mouth Inc.
Mansion
Park It Vertical Bike Stand, $60
If for some reason you feel the need to own one or more of these metal leg-cramping machines invented by liberals to destroy the fracking industry and undermine fertility rates, the least you can do is put it up high so that no one can get to it. Available in single and double bike models. Tree Top Products.
Personalized NFL Decanter set, $170
This set is engraved with the name, logo, and colors of your favorite NFL squad plus your own first initial and surname. We recommend the Dallas Cowboys instead of whatever lame unpatriotic team you pretend to like every Thanksgiving. Hammacher Schlemmer.
Presidential Cigar, $200
As smoked by America's Mayor. Box of 25. Ted's via TrumpStoreAmerica.
Sassy, price upon request
Own a piece of history with this beautiful American thoroughbred pinto ridden by an important figure in the history of constitutional jurisprudence. Serious inquiries only at highridinroyboy17@gmail.com.
Sling TV, $20 per month and up
Stream the latest comedy and drama, the best of sports from SEC football to cricket, and The Shawshank Redemption on AMC pretty much any time you want on beautiful non-neutral internet without having to also pay for lying #FakeNews on poorly performing MSNBC. Sling.com.