It's a time-honored tradition at Yuletide celebrations across the homeland as mature oak logs burn crisply in the grey dawn in hearths and dewy-eyed babes wake from their sweet fairy-haunted slumbers to brightly colored paper and ribbon and the smell of fresh pine—something you want, something you need, something you wear, something you read. Here are the Big Four (plus a little something extra) for men, women, and children and the very best for home and the great outdoors brought to you by the Washington Free Beacon's MAGA elves.
For Him
An object of wifely devotion or feverish lust—or pathetic, barely concealed envy—with his impeccable taste in clothing and music and perfect hair, he is a warrior, a philosopher-king, a leader of men.
WANT: Goldmund Reference II Turntable, $300,000
The consensus among audiophiles is that this luxury Swiss-made turntable is the best in the world. Everyone knows that GnR and the Crüe sound like garbage on CD: let the Reference II help you sing your songs of freedom. Goldmund by special order.
NEED: Buffalo Trace Distillery Old Weller Antique, varies
Balanced, medium-bodied, sharpish with strong hints of vanilla, it is impossible to imagine hanging up your hat and putting your boots by the fire at the end of a long day on the range without a tumbler or two of this golden restorative. Local spirits retailer.
WEAR: Badass Hat Bundle, $40
A MAGA threefer from the keen design imagination of one of the Republic's greatest modern bards. One size fits all, backs adjustable. Kid Rock Store.
READ: The Influence of Sea Power Upon History: 1660-1783, $20
Since its initial publication in 1890, Admiral Alfred Thayer Mahan's 700-page treatise on the advent of modern naval warfare—a book beloved by Churchill, Jackie Fisher, Raoul Castex, and other luminaries of marine combat—has never been out of print. Paperback. Dover Military History, via Amazon.
BONUS: Living Royal Trump Socks, $13
Made in the USA from 100 percent polyester, these stockings are also 100 percent badass and guaranteed to keep your toes warm as the wind shrieks and the wolfish enemies of our Constitution howl in the darkness of the night. One size fits most. Living Royal.
For Her
You see her from afar and ask yourself, 'Is this a dream? A mirage? A vision?' Golden light floods the square and you hear nightingales. Then you awake and she is there at your side.
WANT: Lucida Diamond Opera Necklace, price upon request
Thirty-eight inches of Lucida, marquise, and round diamonds strung on platinum for a grand carat total of 103.12. Tiffany.
NEED: Swiss Mini-Gun Edition De Luxe, $60,000
Two inches long with an 18-karat gold body and featuring diamond studs, this miniature Colt 45 is as beautiful as it is deadly and fits inside even the most unassuming handbag. Swiss Mini Gun by special order.
WEAR: Ivanka Trump Dirent Fringe Bow Pointed Toe Pumps, $130
Red or black with suede upper and synthetic lining and toe, 3.75-inch heel. Available in full and half sizes. Bloomingdale's.
READ: Margaret Thatcher at Her Zenith, in London, Washington, and Moscow, $24
The story of a modern Boadicea full of hilarious anecdotes told in matchless prose by one of our most reliable ally's greatest journalists. Paperback. Knopf, via Amazon.
BONUS: The H is Silent in Benghazi Coffee Mug, $15
The perfect vessel for her morning triple foamless soy venti. America as F***.
For the Youth
When they are not being schooled in the history of their forefathers or skinning small game, they need to rest and play and enjoy the fruits of the liberty for which they will one day fight.
WANT: Trumark Slingshot FSX-FO Slingshot, $15
Stable, accurate, and deadly in glorious red. Designed for maximum accuracy and minimal wrist strain. Rotating pins and fiberoptic sights. Bass Pro Shops.
NEED: Kids Army Camouflage Junior Survival Pack, $60
Complete with jungle camo water bottle, three-in-one whistle, torch, canteen, storage bag, waterproof tarpaulin, paracord, compass, tent, and ten steel tent pegs. KAS, via Amazon.
WEAR: Air Jordan 9 Retro, $140
From sweat shop to mall shop, this monument to the wonders of free trade reminds us that it's never too early to start dunking on nerds. Lightweight cushioning with leather upper and polyurethane mid for perfect fit and comfort. Nike.
READ: Tales from Shakespeare, $4
The original immortal classic of blood and betrayal and whimsy from the pens of Charles and Mary Lamb. Paperback. Wordsworth Children's Classics, via Amazon.
BONUS: The Complete Toy Story Collection, $21
Three beloved tales of heroism and loss in double-disc Blu-Ray editions housed in a deluxe limited collectors' case. Disney, special to Amazon.
Camp
A voice beckons: 'Cars, bikes, boats, balloons, nuclear-powered (and nuclear-equipped) submarines; forests, deserts, savannahs, fell wastes, and remote mountain peaks; lions, sharks, Yetis. Come!'
SitPack Compact Foldable Seat, $55
Capable of supporting up to 220 pounds but folding down to the size of a small water bottle, this is both the most comfortable and the most compact portable outdoor seating option. Polycarbonate. The Fowndry.
Flambeau Lone Howler Coyote Decoy, $95
Hyper-realistic faux-fur mounted on wire frame with wind-powered movable tail and bungee legs for effortless transition between sitting and standing positions. Jet.
Lipship 2016 Huntress Cigarette Boat, $695,000
Whether you're running from communist tyranny or just soaking up sun, 42 feet of fiberglass equipped with quadruple white Mercury 350s Verados are just what the doctor ordered. Additional features include 32-inch LED television, custom memory foam mattress and bed linens, stainless steel microwave and refrigerator, 220-volt air conditioner with automatic temperature control, sink with instant hot water, underwater lighting, night vision, Garmin deluxe electronic navigation mudle, and Pure audiophile sound system. Lipship direct.
Monster Deer Blind, price upon request
One-hundred square feet of solid iron with carpeted floor, insulation, overhead shelving, safety rails, and sun visors to reduce glare. Capable of accommodating 12 hunters comfortably. Monster, via Texas Wildlife Supply.
Submarine Sports Car, $2,000,000
Moves as effortlessly under water as it does on the road via two forward propellors that allow forward movement at a speed of two knots at depths of 33 feet. Zero emissions on land or sea courtesy of an electric motor powered by six 48-volt Lithium ion batteries. Hammacher Schlemmer.
Crib
Rest easy, O warrior, but not long, for thine enemies are as numerous as the stars; and like the stars they sleep not by night.
Harambe Shot Glass, $10
Honor the memory of a fallen warrior whose memory continues to touch hearts and minds from Cincinnati to Seoul. America as F***.
Inflatable Unicorn Horn for Cats, $6
If you're going to have a boring, nasty, liberal pet, the least you can do is make believe it's a mythical creature with an appendage famous for its healing properties. Archie McPhee.
Stuart Hughes PrestigeHD Supreme Rose, $2,500,000
Set in 22-carat gold with topaz, aventurine, and 48 diamonds and featuring an inner-screen bezel made of alligator skin. Stuart Hughes.
Portraits of Courage Deluxe Signed Edition, $250
Featuring 65 portraits by of one of America's foremost neo-expressionist painters. All profits to veterans' charity groups. George W. Bush Presidential Center.
The Prescription Drink Cooler, $10
The latest in alternative medicine. Plastic blend features highly realistic label. Big Mouth.