Four Political Comedy Pitches to Help Hollywood Prove Conservatives Wrong

I'm not a huge fan of anti-Hollywood culture war stuff, insofar as I find it rather boring and only kinda-sorta warranted. But sometimes The Biz goes out of its way to prove that they are, in fact, ridiculously biased caricatures. Two small items.

Item the first:

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That's right: Variety is reporting that noted comedic actor Will Ferrell is going to play the patron saint of the GOP. What's the movie about?

Penned by Mike Rosolio, the story begins at the start of the ex-president’s second term when he falls into dementia and an ambitious intern is tasked with convincing the commander in chief that he is an actor playing the president in a movie.

Huh. That's, um, a way to do it, I guess. I wonder how Hollywood is going to treat Barack Obama?

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oh ffs

It covers one day in the summer of 1989 — way before the stress of two historic White House terms turned his hair gray — when Obama wooed the future First Lady on a whirlwind date across Chicago’s South Side. He famously arrived to pick her up in a beat-up old car with a hole in the floor, and their date — though she reminded him the entire day that it was not a date — included them watching Spike Lee’s Do The Right Thing. Along the way, two bright young public servants explore their differences and paths, and find a kinship.

The film has more of a coming-of-age romantic vibe than anything polemic, which made it catnip to audiences.

A semi-slanderous biopic for Republicans; a doe-eyed romcom for Democrats. It's like Hollywood is going out of its way to prove every conservative critique of the entertainment industry true—specifically that it's run by biased hacks who hold half the country in obvious contempt.

It doesn't have to be this way, though! Here are a few pitches for Hollywood if it's interested in appealing to the other half of the country.

Lolita Express

Bill Clinton

Elevator Pitch: American Pie meets Around the World in Eighty Days

Our nation's horniest ex-president and his billionaire buddy, Jeffrey Epstein, hop on board the famed Lolita Express in order to settle a bet: who can seduce a supermodel on every inhabited continent first? Whacky hijinks ensue when President Hillary, now midway through her first term, finds out about their plan and uses the American Air Force and Navy to chase them across the globe before the press finds out. This raunchy R-rated comedy will give new meaning to the phrase "Air Fuck One"!

The Choom Gang

Obama

Elevator Pitch: Dude Where's My Car? meets Pineapple Express

Long before he became president, Barack Obama was a member of the most powerful teen troop in all Hawaii: THE CHOOM GANG. After a night of ‘sweet-sticky Hawaiian buds' and ‘green bottle beer,' Obama and his pals can't remember where they left the future president's grandma's sweet-ass El Camino. Turns out they didn't lose it: It was stolen by a rival gang, one that will stop at nothing to discover the source of the Choom Gang's powerful weed! Whacky hijinks ensue when a young Michelle Obama, on vacation in Hawaii, gets kidnapped by the anti-Choomers and must be saved by her future love.

RFK v JFK: Dawn of Brosephs

kennedys everywhere

Elevator Pitch: Animal House meets Step Brothers

After eight long years of Gen. Squares McDork in the White House, the Kennedy Bros are finally going to Make The White House Fun Again. Unfortunately, all is not well between Jack, Bobby, and Teddy: They're fighting over women again! Whacky hijinks ensue when Teddy learns how to drive while JFK and RFK fight for the hand of a lovely movie star, embarking on a series of escalating pranks (including the president pressuring one of his interns to perform oral sex on a friend in the White House pool—THOSE CRAZY GUYS!) in order to prove the other is unfit for the blonde bombshell.

Wascally Wabbit

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Elevator Pitch: Caddyshack meets Jaws

A president beset by crises at home and abroad comes face to face with a truly unstoppable foe: a rabbit that can swim. And he's out for blood! Don't worry, this is still a comedy: Whacky hijinks ensue as Carter dons his peanut farmer gear and sets out to corner the bunny, who has invaded the White House lawn. Famed groundskeeper Carl Spackler (Bill Murray) swings by the Rose Garden to offer some helpful hints at rodent removal.