This week I did what any serious data journalist would do after one of his models, so to speak, led him astray and caused him to bet on the Houston Texans.
After the Texans lost 30 to nothing, my initial thought was that I simply got bamboozled by twins. Twins, by nature of the scientific fact that there are two of them, are known to seem hotter than they actually are.
Making this sort of rookie mistake would have been very unlike me—a seasoned analyst—so I decided to go back to the drawing board and adjust my strategy of betting on teams with the hottest fans.
It's called the scientific method.
Here is the new strategy: Bet on the team with the hotter fans UNLESS the quarterback on that team is Brian Hoyer.
If Hoyer is involved in the game you can bet against him no matter how ugly the opposing team's fans are. Heck, you can even feel comfortable betting on Philadelphia if they are facing Hoyer!
Here are my picks for this weekend's division championship games:
Kansas City Chiefs AT New England Patriots
PICK: Patriots -5
It's hard for me to bet on the Patriots, but it is also hard for me to imagine the Patriots not cheating their way through at least one round of the playoffs.
Green Bay Packers AT Arizona Cardinals
PICK: Cardinals -7
There is not a girl within 100 miles of Green Bay that could overpower Arizona's proximity to Arizona State University.
Being in close proximity to a place with an annual Undie Run is the type of thing that could drive a team to the Super Bowl.
It is undeniable that these ASU girls are enough to cover a 7 point spread.
Seattle Seahawks -1.5 Carolina Panthers
PICK: Panthers -1.5
Model Jaime Edmondson is famous for posing for Playboy wearing stuff for literally every single NFL team, so the above picture of her Panthers outfit is nothing special.
It was special, however, when she wore the actual pants that Cam Newton would wear while he won the National Championship for Auburn.
Those are literally Cam Newton's pants.
Has to be worth something.
Pittsburgh Steelers AT Denver Broncos
PICK: Broncos -7
Stormy Keffeler, a Seattle native that just resigned as Miss Washington due to a DUI arrest earlier this year, came on my radar this week when she became a suspect in the stabbing of a soccer player. Certain members of the Washington Free Beacon privately celebrated the alleged anti-soccer act of violence.
Stormy knows football and is a self-proclaimed Broncos fan. She actually played center for the Lingerie Football League's Seattle Mist.
Stormy's cheering will likely be enough for the Broncos to beat the banged up Steelers, but it won't hurt having karma on their side too.