You’ve heard the phrase "drunk as a skunk"? Well that skunk’s got nothing on a raccoon that recently went on a binge at a liquor store. Allow us to explain: A raccoon fell through the ceiling of an Ashland, Va., liquor store last November, eventually making his way down the aisle, smashing at least 14 bottles and getting, well, smashed in the process. The assortment of liquor sampled—whiskey, rum, vodka, moonshine, and eggnog, among other spirits—reminds us fondly of our own first experiences with booze before we learned to avoid mixing and never ordering Long Island iced teas.
By the end of this bender, the raccoon was found passed out lying next to the toilet. (Who among us?) And while the next morning was no doubt excruciating, he should take comfort in the words of Frank Sinatra: "I feel sorry for people that don’t drink, because when they wake up in the morning, that’s the best they’re going to feel all day."
"After a few hours of sleep and zero signs of injury (other than maybe a hangover and poor life choices), he was safely released back to the wild, hopefully having learned that breaking and entering is not the answer," the Hanover County Animal Protection and Shelter agency said in a statement. Except this particular scavenger is no stranger to the strip mall. As animal protection officer Samantha Martin revealed in a recent podcast, "Supposedly, this is the third break-in he’s had. He was in the karate studio—I think he got into the DMV [and] ate some of their snacks one time." That’s right: The raccoon is a repeat offender. We can’t wait til this party animal starts making F-Bombs.
For having the audacity to plough through the liquor aisle as if he were Nicolas Cage on a shopping spree in Leaving Las Vegas, and for inspiring a slew of new cocktails like the Rye Rascal Sour and Trash Panda Old Fashioned, this recidivist raccoon is a Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year.