I Want to Marry Michael Eggman’s Daughter

Michael Eggman

Earlier this month the DCCC released their inaugural “Red-to-Blue” list. Their “Emerging Race” list includes California beekeeper Michael Eggman, who is running in his state’s tenth congressional district.

Eggman touts his experience as a farmer. Really, though, Eggman should be talking more about his family.

And when I say family, I mean his 19-year-old daughter, Hanalei.
Michael Eggman

Like her dad, Hanalei is an earlier riser. Also she always remembers to buckle her safety belt.
Michael Eggman

By the looks of the tweets’ timestamp, the hookah pipe was but was a midmorning cap to an even livelier chain of events.
Michael Eggman

Like they say, early bird gets the worm. Or over the stop sign.
Michael Eggman

You would think all that early morning toking would help her out.

But Hanalei is much more comfortable during a Sunday Funday with a cool Corona on a hot day in the Central Valley.

Michael Eggman

Maybe a little too comfortable.

Michael Eggman

Let’s hope that her memory lapse was not alcohol-related and that she ended up safe. Hanalei attends Fresno State where, just last year, a freshman died after drinking at a frat party. If you’re going to drink underage, remember to drink responsibly!

When Hananlei does remember what she does when she gets turnt up, she’s ready to admit she gets a little carried away.

Michael Eggman

Here she is fitting in an impromptu twerk session in between bites of Cinnabon.

If Michael Eggman doesn’t know where his daughter is when she’s dropping the n-word or tweeting what she would put in her nose, how will he know the whereabouts of the rest of CA-10?
Michael Eggman

Eggman appears to get along just alright on his own, making like Tom Cruise in “Cocktail” around all those children. Let’s hope those daiquiris are virgin.
Michael Eggman

Michael Eggman reminds me a lot of the “cool mom” character in Mean Girls. Not for his daughter’s alleged Regina George-esque behavior, but for his rocking frosted tips.
Michael Eggman

Eggman will be prepared to face the tough questions from voters, since he’s already been asked tough questions by his daughter.

All jokes aside, Eggman has a strong, tight-knit bond with his daughter. In case he does win in November, they’ll be first in line for the 2015 Redskins season in their homemade fan gear.
Michael Eggman

And most important, Hanalei helps her dad where it counts by linking to her dad’s campaign site on her Twitter page.
Michael Eggman

 

I think I’m in love.