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Report: Failed Candidate Tired of Failing

Beto O'Rourke says he won't run for office again after failing to win the Democratic primary

Failed Senate candidate and soon-to-be-failed presidential candidate Beto O'Rourke is tired of being a failed candidate, Politico reports.

Kamala Harris Accosts Children in Iowa: ‘Why Aren’t You In School?’

Meanwhile, celebrity truant Greta Thunberg continues to elude justice

Kamala "5-0" Harris is up to her old tricks. The former attorney general of California, who ruled with an iron fist over the parents of truant schoolchildren, has reportedly been roaming the streets of Iowa and accosting children whom she suspects of playing hooky.

Hillary Clinton Proves She’s Still Tha Kween of Milquetoast Platitudes

Presumed 2020 frontrunner weighs in (sort of) on NBA-China controversy

Hillary ClintonIt's becoming increasingly likely that Hillary Clinton, the historic failure of a politician, will enter the 2020 Democratic primary. She recently picked up her first official endorsement, and has wisely bided her time as two of the early frontrunners have succumbed to health problems on the campaign trail.

Hillary Clinton Picks Up First 2020 Endorsement

Hillary Clinton's prospects for a historic political comeback continue to improve. The former public-speaking magnate, who has not formally declared her candidacy in the 2020 Democratic primary, picked up her first major endorsement on Tuesday.

Once-Relevant Candidate Appears on Cover of Once-Relevant Magazine

TL;DR

Senator Kamala Harris's (D., Calif.) days are numbered as even a minimally relevant contender in the 2020 Democratic primary. That might be why Time magazine, a formerly relevant publication, decided to feature the notoriously ruthless former attorney general on its cover—before it is too late.

The Soul-Crushing Tedium of Cable News, Explained in One Tweet

BREAKING: "Circle jerks," or "circles jerk"? We report. We decide

Rodents are raining from the ceiling of the White House press room. Maybe it's a metaphor for how the media, especially of the cable news variety, has become a plague of absurdity, an endless circle jerk of extraneous "analysis" and soul-crushing tedium.

Amy Klobuchar, Bird Murderer

First Democratic candidate to embrace controversial Obama legacy

Senator Amy Klobuchar (D., Minn.) has long struggled to contain the blinding rage that burns beneath her "Minnesota nice" façade. She is prone to "dehumanizing" outbursts of violence, usually directed at vulnerable staff members who are often left in tears, nursing binder wounds, or holding a disgusting salad comb.