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Urban Meyer: The Hillary Clinton of College Football

Ohio State University head football coach Urban Meyer has been suspended for three games for his handling of an assistant coach's alleged domestic abuse, much to the chagrin of basically everyone who follows the sport and who isn't angry this sentence didn't start with "The." How bad are the allegations? Well, reading through the full findings of the Urban Meyer investigation, I couldn't help but notice the similarities between Meyer's scandal and those of ol' Crooked Hillary Clinton.

Terrible #MeToo record

Meyer was aware that his assistant coach Zach Smith was arrested in 2009 for domestic assault of his pregnant wife while both coaches were at Florida. Meyer brought Smith to Ohio State anyway. Meyer was aware in 2014 that Smith racked up a $600 bill at a strip club while on a school recruiting trip, but didn't report him to Athletic Compliance. Meyer was aware in 2015 that Smith was again being investigated for domestic abuse. But despite an entire other host of personnel problems that led the athletic director to suggest Smith be fired, including frequent tardiness, misuse of funds, and drug addiction, Meyer refused.

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton consistently defended her husband Bill Clinton both privately and publicly from multiple allegations of sexual assault and infidelity, describing Monica Lewinsky as a "narcissistic loony toon" and Gennifer Flowers as "some failed cabaret singer who doesn't have much of a resume to fall back on." Additionally, she chose to shield her 2008 presidential election adviser Burns Strider after multiple allegations of sexual harassment, even though her campaign manager recommended she fire him.

Often confused

Meyer, the Ohio State report says, "periodically taken medicine that can negatively impair his memory, concentration, and focus." That is evidently supposed to explain why he told reports that he had no memory of being told that one of his coaches was under police investigation and monitoring it for months. Hillary Clinton likewise told FBI investigators 40 times she "couldn't recall" something, while aide Huma Abedin fretted that she was "often confused."

Deleted the evidence correspondence

Investigators found that when media reports first surfaced that Meyer likely lied about not knowing about the 2015 domestic abuse incident, he and Director of Football Operations Brian Voltolini "discussed whether the media could get access to Coach Meyer’s phone, and specifically discussed how to adjust the settings on Meyer’s phone so that text messages older than one year would be deleted." By pure coincidence, the investigators also found that when they took control of Meyer's phone, there were no texts older than a year! Bizarrely, the investigators ruled that they could not determine whether the two were connected.

Meanwhile, you may have heard that Hillary Clinton once kept an unsecured personal email sever in her home and used it to send and receive classified government emails. Clinton then deleted 33,000 emails after unilaterally deciding which emails were personal and which were subject to FOIA requests. The FBI statement originally deemed Clinton's handling of her server "grossly negligent," which carries serious legal ramifications, but FBI agent Peter Strzok changed it to "extremely careless."

Failed to catch office fellatio

According to reporter Brett McMurphy, Smith also "took multiple photos of his penis inside the Ohio State coaches’ offices, inside the White House when the Buckeyes visited in 2015 and also photographed himself in the coaches’ offices receiving oral sex and having sex with a OSU staffer." Meanwhile, Bill Clinton… you know the story.

Nepotism

Why did they miss the obvious? Well, Zach Smith is the grandson of legendary Buckeye head coach and Meyer's mentor Earle Bruce, while Bill Clinton is married to Hillary's favorite person in the world.

Lost in Iowa

Hillary Clinton failed to capture Iowa's six electoral votes in the 2016 election. Urban Meyer's only visit to Iowa was a disaster, losing by 31 points to Kirk Ferentz's unranked squad in 2017 and torpedoing Ohio State's chance at the playoffs.

Thought they were too good for Notre Dame

Urban Meyer spurned the prestigious Fighting Irish to instead become the head coach at the University of Florida, winning a pair of national championships. Hillary Clinton likewise turned down an invitation to speak at Notre Dame during the 2016 election despite Bill's urging, reasoning that "white Catholics were not the audience she needed to spend time reaching out to." (CNN chyron: "They were.")

Are poopy faces and suck

See above.

However, there is one key difference between the two: Urban Meyer visited Wisconsin in 2016.