I could have stayed silent. All my life I've avoided politics, eschewed social media, and devoted all my waking hours to building a successful jet ski repair business. I don't normally vote in elections. (I wrote in Vince McMahon for president in 2012 because he seemed like a competent leader with tons of dragon energy.) I haven't watched "the news" in decades. It would be easier to hold my tongue, but I feel compelled to speak out.
Every time THE POLITICO publishes a Stephen Miller hit piece — by his Uncle Dave, or the kid who sat across from him in third grade — I am reminded of the hours he and I spent together in an incubator as infants. I am forced to confront My Truth — that everything the media and general public thinks it knows about Stephen Miller is a lie.
It's hard to say how much a newborn's behavior in a hospital incubator can really tell you about the inner workings of his soul. At least that's what some people would have you believe. I know better, because the connection I shared with Stephen Miller in that incubator was probably the deepest connection I have ever experienced with another human being. It was also one of the most traumatizing moments of my life.
Here is what I remember.
When the nurse placed Stephen in my incubator in August 1985, I recall feeling as though my freedom was being tread upon. I must have intuited from my surroundings that we were in America, so I had expected to be treated as an American. But Stephen had other ideas. He wriggled his gooey head in my direction, and as soon as our eyes met, he unleashed a pernicious Hiroshima of fecal discharge, instantly annihilating the feeble confines of his nappy like a fire hose deployed against a ring of cobwebs. They say smell is the sense most closely tied to memory, which is probably why I'll never forget what happened next.
After the nurses finished hosing us down, Stephen and I locked eyes for a second time. That's when we started to communicate, newborn to newborn. We didn't use English, or even words, obviously. It was more like a binary code of "goos" and "gahs" instead of ones and zeros, incorporating all our senses to cultivate a furious cohesion of understanding. This was the motley language Stephen used to outline his terrifying vision for America.
"The Cold War is coming to close," he mused. "Soviet collapse is imminent, alas. Reagan won't be president forever, but his legacy will guide the Republican Party for decades to come. Only after a sustained attack on that legacy has succeeded in tarnishing the Republican brand will American voters be open to embracing Full Communism."
I didn't know what to say. This was a lot for an infant to process. His views on communism ran contrary to everything I had learned in utero listening to my father's daily lectures on the Red Menace. I'd always been of the mind that Reagan's foreign policy had been too soft on Moscow, and his Strategic Defense Initiative was little more than a misguided bluff. Stephen continued his rant before I had a chance to rebut.
"Constitutional conservationism, whatever that means, won't last," he asserted. "There's no constituency for it. Populist nationalism is the only way forward in a post-Cold War America. For Republicans, the key is getting them hooked on Soviet-style immigration policies — closing borders, building walls, and so on. That's the gateway drug to socialist economic programs. Just watch what happens when some young gun GOP congressman tries to ‘reform' Medicare and Social Security just as the Baby Boomers are starting to retire. Eventually, we'll elect a celebrity who doesn't believe in anything, and his top advisers, if they're clever enough, will have free reign to lay the groundwork for socialism. Who's going to stand in our way? The Democrats? Please. In 30 to 40 years the party will have purged itself of so-called moderates, and their top candidates will fully embrace the ‘socialist' label. I guess I could be wrong, but that's just how I see things playing out. I think you still have some of my poop on your foot. Sorry about that."
That about sums it up. Again, I'm not a political person. I just thought the American people should know the truth about Stephen Miller.